for all that I am

Noir cave reflection/e.d.&muse

“Someone’s coming, we have to end the call,” Willem says and the call suddenly ends

and for awhile it seems I just sit there in the desk chair in some kind of stunned state of mind ....still holding the phone a long time later. still staring at nothing but thoughts inward. Alone, can at times, be a sentence but then, there is one advantage as it has often the benefit of removing  all the superfluous distractions that come with noise 

and at the moment, even if overwhelmed in chaotic thoughts, am aware there seems to be a bigger picture .... that I never saw with new factors I had not considered at all and blow my mind, what comes now as after shock of what Willem implied —my grandfather? 

And after quite awhile I do get up from the chair but it seems a task I force myself to do ....my world again seems to be crumbling.... these cave walls....

in a daze walk through the isles of the conveyor belts. The winding machinery, follow the curving isles that have now become familiar, to find some small corner to hide from spying eyes.... and again, not for the first time wonder —who is there to trust. Those rose colored glasses, blinders long peeled away and swapped by a sharp shooter’s optic lens

.... long past naïve, like some tarnished fairy tale 

My grandfather ...? Did he hire Willem ....? —to protect me from my father

and as I reflect am drawn back to the cage

I find my eyes are drawn to stare now at all the places where I last saw Jörn.... and can conjure him in my mind to see him standing there .... there—looking at the monitors, analyzing documents, pacing from the cage and back to the conveyor belts 

and as I search those empty spaces now I find it makes me sad

I go back to the under part of the stairs and consider my cardboard bed a moment as if to hide away from spying eyes

but then unlatch the hidden doorway and go back down slowly and let myself take it all in again now thoughtfully as I weigh it with the perspective of what Willem said

....it does explain what Jörn has been up to on all those long jogs 

and what seemed like hours of disappearing ....clearly he has been very busy.... I think as I stop to look at the golf cart thoughtfully ....

So it occurs to me to wonder if this must mean that the octopus arms all connect to the same center somehow? —secret doors? secret walls? secret stairs ....

I would suspect as this section of the limb would not really require a golf cart 

And now decide to understand the layout of what is here and walk around it now

It is all neatly laid out with a practical use of space, I discover, and find another doorway at the bend of grocery isles that leads to a small kitchen area for cooking and washing, with table and chairs. 

I had not noticed this before. 

And, locating tea bags, a cup and a kettle.... sit down with a cup of tea and .... reflecting, think of Jörn.... 

it seems ever since he has crossed my path I am being forced to look deeply at all my own truths.... and I wonder if it is maybe because he is the only one who has ever truly seen me 

 

a lapse of thought in a passing moment 

 

dictionary ....do we sometimes hang from a thread of a threadbare rope by just one desperate thought? 

 

this one seems to hang me like a noose to acknowledge 

 

it is not so much the differences that separate but the destitute of ever knowing acceptance. I wish I understood why the safe choices in life never seemed to be choices I could sustain and why they did not seem to fit nor apply

and I so do wish, as I often have so desperately at times wished it so —to be the kind of someone that could 

have I wished for too, for that rare unknown; to be fully understood and utterly accepted at least by one such someone and this clause does hang the balance as it is not possible to occupy a life unwilling to be faithful to this essential truth.... clearly, dictionary, it does seem this life’s lesson~to endeavor to learn to relinquish the need, with it all needs and accept with grace to aspire to find the power in order to do so 

The noir call scene continued ....

 

“How did Willem know about what number to call?” I force out the question fast not wanting to be intimidated and hoping to get some answers now 

“How did Willem know....?” Jörn repeats 

“How is he involved?” I ask

“Duva....” but here in just two syllables I hear it —Jörn’s voice changes —it is in the silence that I hear it somehow, I don’t know how but it seems I ....feel....hear....like I can hear his thoughts somehow—without uttering a sound but it is there and there—again even in the subtle way he clears his throat as if to stall, too, for thought ....yes, and even though I know I hear it— I ignore it.... don’t trust it or somehow ....it is just doubt 

and then he says,

“‘how is he involved’—duva, ask yourself....” 

and it is there again ....in his silence 

He sighs,

“he is here if you would like to ask him.....”

And I hear Willem’s voice in the background say something 

“He’s there? where are you exactly?” I ask

But now it is Willem who I hear,

“hi, old friend,” he says in his heavy Dutch accent, “it’s Wil, glad you called the number —we were starting to worry.”

“Can you tell me what is going on?” I ask him

“They want the code, what do you think?” Willem says simply 

“The guy in the ski mask?”

“You mean one of the guys,” Willem corrects me, “they are still there. They’ve surrounded the house. They’ve been watching. They had been watching you for days so ....they knew that you were there ....maybe they think you are hiding somewhere if not in the barn-house maybe in one of the other buildings. We’ve seen from the cameras. They have been camping there for days. These people don’t give up when they know they are on to something,” he says.

“On to something?” I ask, “you mean on to me?—is that what you mean?”

“You have the code. They know that.”

“How do they know that?” I ask, “I didn’t know I had the code— not really! I don’t understand how they could know that—I mean until recently I .... but I don’t know it! I swear, I don’t know! But —if they believe I know it—Willem, what will they do?”

“Don’t ask that question, I don’t think you want to know how they get this stuff out of people— we won’t let it happen, ja? ....but until one of us can get there you are safe where you are— there is no record of the underground base—nobody would know its existence — which is why it is important you stay there. Not that you could leave in that snow storm.”

—Snow storm? What is happening on the surface?—

“Until one if you gets here?” I ask, “where are you guys? You said in your email that Jörn has been detained—what did you mean ‘detained’?”

“It’s to do with —some government policies ....they don’t approve of some —well, certain things; you know red tape and so ....”

“Is that why he hasn’t tried to call or reach me?”

“If they knew he was in touch with you they .... he is trying to protect you —but they would go after you too, which is why he wants them to think things have ended with you —they took his mobile to check for your calls —“

“To check for —my— calls? They? Who is they? This is who—government? Whose?  or —who are we talking about? —you can’t tell me they think I’m involved in international espionage or —Willem— are you both being held in some kind of governmental custody or whatever they call it? I mean—and if Jörn hasn’t got his phone, how is he watching the cameras?”

Willem laughs,

“you really have no idea about his work, do you? You want to know what is going on. I don’t blame you as you are somewhat now at the center of things .... look, what you need to know is—this goes back to a long time ago—I mean years ago....”

“You mean when I first met you in The Hague....?”

“I mean the Cold War. Your father— well, one of them—well , actually, both....”

“Both....” I repeat in a daze as something he said triggers something else in my memory,

“Willem— when we first met I was still in high school but you seemed to know details unrelated to any of this; things about me and my family, my grandfather.... why?”

“mijn oude vriend, who do you think hired me to protect you?”