I feel such apathy

  I fear that is an oxymoron 

because apathy is the void of feeling, isn’t it? 

or is it the exhausting of it …. I am not sure 

    but I am lost in a wilderness 

  a lone wandering animal in the woods among things I fail to understand 

but more still it us too that whatever once mattered is gone 

   what a terrible kind of desert that is 

and find what sick fascination in the drama of Medici —only it echoes our current world and so that no longer feels escape from ….my wolf pack is gone. They just didn’t make it as far as me. So what do I do now….? what is the purpose ….when it seems really none; futile all and …. Is it anomie or apathy ….? I distract my brain with nut picky stupid questions like these 

to avoid the hard pain ….everybody disappointed me in my life—how hard a pill to swallow is that ….my standards too high? ….or am I just too straight and narrow devout ….devout to some faith I blindly believed in which was about ideals I carried and was always ascribed to; never wavered 

but was I too brittle not to bend and move with the status quos empty promise to fulfill the soul with consumerism behavior ….find that road to the dollar signs and sell yourself