Electra's dictionary& film noir JMmuse chronicles Re-Loaded/the Viking Returns

 

I find myself melt down the walls, down the drain pipes there through the gaps …. I pace the empty hall and up and down 

   

I try writing in my journal by pen

It was the pen, it would not write, so I went in search of a better one. I went through all the drawers everywhere and …. I go into the kitchen search there but, no

and sit at the table that faces over the city streets that are just distant streaks of light like one of those impressionist paintings.

And then I feel so bad —the words that I meant to write ….now lost

I lean up against the frame and just look down and there ….

Jörn! Why do I forget not to look that way?

How long was he watching me? 

Like a bolt of electric is shot right through me I jump with some supernatural energy and spring to my feet.

He is just at the window looking up and yes…. there is the piano I can see behind him

Why am I frozen unable to move?

I stare! 

He stares right back at me!

I vaguely notice his casual open shirt over jeans as he watches me with his arms folded

I turn away suddenly ….oh my god, what do I do ….why now? why does he appear to me now ….when I am not ready to deal with 

    only no, I never am ….when is good anyway? I run back to the bedroom and convince myself …. of …. hallucinating ….that wasn’t Jörn 

and so when the sound at the door happened I half screamed aloud 

It is a moment like believing I am on the fence of choice. If I ignore it it will go away. But do I want it to. And if it goes away then what am I left with ….but wonder, and thoughts, and silence 

But I don’t know —what if it’s just to return an article of clothing he found? Do I need that right now?

No. I’d rather rot here alone. 

It was a knock. I wasn’t sure. It sounded like the buzzer—oh there’s the buzzer too then …. 

It was the rude insistence in the end that forced me to get up to answer the door 

I open it and look up at him,

“you still have the code?”

For a second he looks guilty. 

Until that kryptonite gaze narrows upon me,

“you could have changed it,” he raises his brow as he says this

How dare he look so good

Even now. And what do I look like? Still in my work out clothes and he looks like he just stepped out of the shower as usual.

He walks right in, sweeping right past the door as he looks around

I look at him stunned. What is he doing? 

“Are you opting for the crypt or tomb decor? What happened here?” 

“Why are you here?”

“Would you believe me if I said, because I need your help with a code?” he stops a bit too close to say this to me 

I look up at him and just say,

“no.”

But …. I don’t ask him to leave and I compromise with myself —just not right away