J'ai besoin de toi
31 January 2022
28 January 2022
27 January 2022
26 January 2022
all my wires are fried on my emotional circuit board. I feel nothing and too much at the same time. it is like riding horseback without holding the reins and trusting fate
I don’t know who I am right now but it will be all right whomever we become….
and stranger, I hope that you are ….really there; to note
22 January 2022
Part 1 “Tequila; A Page a Day(prequel)”/Another Story
They leave the coffee place and as they walk, unconsciously they fall into pace with each other even though they are, to note strangers, but they are not really, are they? Only no, they don’t think about this either, while they walk past airport shops, for there is no time for such fleeting thoughts as ….well her flight is eminently approaching
“So have you ever?” he asks her as they walk quickly past other masked travelers
“Have I ever what?”
“Been somebody’s unicorn….?”
“Well, I’ve had —you know….stalkers —who —“
“Stalkers?”
“Yeah— who thought I was their unicorn, yeah….” she shudders
“Christ—no, actually I meant it the other way—“
“Huh….?” she glances up at him as he says,
“the extra party—trois….”
and again the spots of bright color appear on her alabaster complexion. But she turns suddenly as though something has caught her eye in a shop window
“Oh, I love these!” she says going into the shop which is filled with bohemian objects; she goes past batik print tapestries, takes a moment to inspect the designs and touch the fabric, but then swiftly moves on to stare at a wall of macramés hangings, captured by the deep emerald color of one but then is mesmerized by the red clay pots as tall as she.
But it is this which got Beth’s attention —she goes over to a display of bracelets; bangles, cuffs, leathers and the kind with little glass beads and she tries them on but they don’t look right on her; they are all too big for her wrist and fall right off; she puts them back with a sad sigh
He says,
“so have you?”
“Have I…?” but she suddenly remembers the question she dodged, “so what was that about tequila?” she happens to notice they pass one of many airport bars just now, “oh that place looks interesting, since you are stuck here anyway, let’s see if they have tequila—“ only now she realizes the time,
“but ohhh…. look, it’s getting closer to my boarding time….”
“You still have one hour,” he tells her, “unless yours gets delayed too.”
“Oh you wish!”
“What do I wish?” he asks her and it is something in how he says this
Beth swiftly turns around to look at him and shocking her, his expression is intensely serious
“No I meant….” she says, but forgets what she means to say; there is a weird stab that is actually physical, as she looks up at him, when caught inside his eyes, that makes her stumble, but he catches her
He says
“Let’s see if they have tequila ….”
They go inside
It is deceptively small inside, once past the entrance; it seems all the customers prefer the bar where there is a slight crowd. But past the length of this, in search of a seat there, a waiter in black uniform suggests they sit in the dining area.
He directs them there.
There are only four little tables arranged privately like little booths. The waiter lets them choose which one
And once seated he asks,
“so what can I get for you?”
“We were wondering if you have tequila,” Stefan says
“We have a selection. Do you have one you prefer?”
In the end Stefan says,
“we’ll just do shots of each.”
20 January 2022
19 January 2022
17 January 2022
Another story/“do I want you for a ménage á trois?”
Beth burns her lip on the coffee as she sits there waiting for Stefan to return
“Fuck!” she puts the coffee cup down and from her Nepal bag, she takes out her compact. She inspects her lip for signs of damage then jumps when she hears him calling to her as he walks back
“So…. it looks like my flight is delayed….the person said he would call to let me know….” as he sits down, he shrugs, “has the coffee gone cold?”
“No, it just scalded off my upper lip, so, be warned,” Beth half laughs
“Let me see,” he says
“No, that’s ok….”
For a moment he studies her and then laughs,
“do I want you for a ménage á trois?”
She looks up at him now and he can clearly see that her face, which was before a paler shade, has now gone a bright shade of red
“—my unicorn?” he is laughing now, “I just looked that up on Urban Dictionary.”
“Oh….” she lets out a heavy sigh of relief and then in delayed reaction she laughs
Only now can she look him in the eye, which, up until this moment she could not,
“no, like—that evasive unicorn….”
Stefan watches her as she says this and shakes his head,
“what do you mean?”
“Like a mirage…. that thing you can never achieve so instead, you just keep it there on the illusionary shelf. Look at it. Dust it off. Put it back. But never open. Like those expensive books still in the wrapper —but ….maybe what is inside is totally this whole other entity entirely….so…. Unicorn.”
“‘Blood of a poet’, Cocteau?” he says with a straight face but his eyes, that seem different colors in different angles of light, now twinkle and give him away
If it were in messaging she would …. say….
So—
instead she does:
“Don’t mock me,” she tells him and it seems to break the ice between them
“Maybe we should be drinking tequila and not coffee because there was a third meaning in the urban dictionary,” he teases her, “so why Alaska?”
“Oh! Well—hey, I get to complete my research and the money is perfect,” she says this with a kind of casual tone of bravado not her own and shrugs, “it’s like solitary confinement at the work station. That’s what they jokingly call it. There’s no one for miles. Only the postal guy and that’s if you get mail —but ….I have kind of ….’had it’ with people. So….just animals and the wild from now on. So what are you doing in—where did you just come from?”
“Portugal. I was covering a story on an eco-system, agricultural developer—“ his phone interrupts, “oh, it’s the airline’s person—“ answers, “yes….oh, I see…. so, how long can this—or….ah….”
Beth watches him, sensing something is wrong
After he ends the call he sighs and looks at her but shrugs,
“the airlines crew all tested positive.”
“What? You mean…. so….?”
“They just told me they booked a hotel room for me somewhere, so—it looks like I’m stuck here.”
16 January 2022
15 January 2022
Another story/ “I’m Not Your Unicorn”
But it is when she hears a very loudly emphasized,
“ahem!” throat sound behind her that Beth swiftly turns round
And as she turns, she slows in hesitation and then finds herself staring down at the floor, looking down at a pair of shiny gray boots —beneath nondescript gray trousers.
“I am up here,” he says
Now she clears her throat, pretending a cough and fumbles with the cuff to stall for a moment of time, and mumbles, head still angled, looking at the floor,
“no, I just thought my shoe lace was untied.”
“Your boots don’t have laces, Beth….”
she stands up slowly,
“Stefan, look —let’s just get this straight….I’m not your unicorn ok?”
“Beth….” she can see by the crinkles around his eyes that he smiles behind the mask and also seems to want to laugh but doesn’t
She stands straight to look at him and they face each other. They remove their masks simultaneously
He wears a gray trench coat over a gray turtleneck; his colors blend with his hair and eyes and she notices something too the photos had not shown
He awkwardly acts as though they should hug but she seems unaware on how to go about that
Then there is an awkward moment which between them in their private subjectivity, speaks volumes as time seems to slow and quicken in just this moment. Their eyes meet, but they are too astute in measuring the other to reveal anything of themselves
He sees those details not captured in photos stills nor would be in motion; the tension in which she holds herself, like one ready to bolt; aware of the subtlety of her scent that has a faint touch of lily of the valley…. the silent hesitation behind her every movement
“So….” she looks around at the airport surroundings, self consciously
“When is your flight?” Stefan asks
“Uhhh…” she reaches for her phone but he already sees it on the board
“Look—it leaves at 13:46…. so, we ….have an hour and forty minutes….” Stefan points to the board, then, decisively says, “coffee,” spotting where to go points and as he looks at her, sees her expression reveal something
as he looks at her before absently…. realizing something
then suddenly urges her towards it, lightly placing a hand on her arm
It is only when they are sitting down that they let themselves look at each other face to face; that reality of the moment finally reaches Beth as she looks at him now as they sit there looking at each other over the table with their coffees.
Then he says,
“why are you moving to Alaska?”
She looks away,
“you wouldn’t understand. And anyway —why should it even matter to you what I decide to do? Until now, we’ve never met and you know what? I just realized I don’t even know your last name. All those video lectures are under your website name; Stefan@—“
But before she finishes, at the very moment she says this, an announcement comes over the loud speaker:
<<ATTENTION! ATTENTION;WOULD STEFAN LOVE PLEASE REPORT TO YOUR AIRLINES CARRIER!!>>
Beth looks up at him as he begins to stand up, a concerned look now on his face as he reaches for his mask
“Love? That’s your last name? Like Courtney?”
“Well—“he glances around as he searches for where to go as he says, “— it was actually my middle name but—Beth…. can you …. please…? just wait right here, ok? uh—I’ll be right back….ok?”
10 January 2022
Another story continued/Pandemic reloaded’22
<why> her finger slips
….before she has the chance to finish writing the message
as she had paused to think but, too stumped on what to say, sat staring at the phone keyboard screen till her finger slipped
<why?> comes his answer
“Shit….” she whispers aloud to herself
<….why didn’t you tell me?>she replies
But she turns the phone face down and looks again at the white-noise of the runway
She thinks again about their ongoing almost “V for Vendetta” dialogue over the last three years
you know, in the film….
where she’s half dead and he’s fucking with her and pretending to be a cell mate beside her ….
why does she think of that now?
so what does she know of him anyway except —what he wants her to see
That and …. those accidental things he shares …. his reactions to her thesis’s sometimes are obvious but ….what does he ever really expose?
Still…. The truth is—she has wanted to know him in ‘real time’
no, does she mean ….
‘3-d’? she taps her finger nervously wondering why she wants to run …. run to the toilet to vomit …. actually but…. to flush away three years? seems extreme and excessive as running away now would be like burning bridges wouldn’t it?
It all started with an article she had written covering years of research on a topic not too many people really know about. So, it was like finding a needle in a haystack when someone there being anyone even slightly aware of the subject and… . Over time she noticed
his location and the IP address popped up in other places of her work as time went on when she was going through her old research online but, the weird thing was it was like his thought patterns
….always triggered ideas by where he decided to search in the archives
….like that story all written in letters between Griffin and Sabine; her first letter appears as a stranger to him. As she saw his drawings appear as he did them —and when he changed them ….from a far away island as he drew
What does he even look like? Beth nervously looked around the airport filled with masked faces
well…. she has seen his photos and some live footage of some interview he did; it was for the auction when she first stumbled upon him on Reddit
….they never did FaceTime nor zoom ….. either he sensed she didn’t want to or he didn’t …. hologram, virtual conversations. so nauseating. she always felt—watching some freak gremlin version of yourself in hi-glow, migraine HD blinding tones and find the one you converse with looks even worse but technology is all anyone eats, sleeps and thinks about but this is the
surreal …. Pandemic life …. faceless faces of society hidden behind masks.
And how removed anything real has now become
but what is real?
there is nothing real; real is relative and she thinks of that song by Radiohead, Fake Plastic Trees
Yes, she thinks looking around the airport …. it is life today, there are no more trees so we are left with tons of plastic instead ….
Her phone alerts a message
She turns over her phone
<look behind you>
At first she freezes. Then she replies:
<how would you know what I look like?>
<you showed me that one of a kind Nepal bag when you got it. Turn around….>
more thoughts off a shelf from a ‘Celf ‘
it was years ago when I read the novel Kitchen—decades; of so many things that touched me in her story, and of one I often reflect upon a character in it. It was long before how we see things now, you know—but her friend’s mother in the story, who is so very fragile, yet so strong and endearing, turns out to actually be the boy’s father. And I think what touched me— as so often I have stumbled to understand what it means in the whole of ‘self’, and the gender aspects in life experiences and perspectives —somehow it seemed to me this character longed so deeply for the boy’s mother that he became her to fill the void. I found this utterly moving
Another story
~•~
Beth adjusts her mask as she waits by the terminal. The layover limbo makes her nervous. She sits by the glass partition on the tall chair by a tall round table. She wears travel clothes; a black ribbed turtleneck with black nondescript trousers, Chelsea boots and trench coat. She gets a text
<I arranged my layover to land where you are….my flight just landed, where are you?>
For a long moment she is too stunned to react. She looks away from her phone to the wide open windows that shows the runway of planes taking off and landing. She stares at this now but does not see what she looks at.
She sees instead the funny, cryptic messages back and forth between herself and Stefan which have been going on for three years.
But they have never met.
She sits there frozen wondering what to do ….
~•~
07 January 2022
and on and on
my mother had a few interesting pet names for me that began when I was a child and still called me by them up until she died and I was, by then, in my thirties too. There was “imp” , “red fox”,
and “pumpkin head”(her favorite and most used choice) to name a few
No doubt why— I guess this band owned a place in my heart during the 90’s ….I’m trying to remember her other nick names for me
who would have thought we’d be here
05 January 2022
04 January 2022
I feel such an emotional exhaustion. and feels almost too much. or maybe it is.
I don’t know if it is the impact of people’s reactions because it was easier before people started to ask me things. and well…. I do desperately wish people thought before they dispense advice about things they are ignorant of. It is hard to be tactful when people insult both your intelligence and your ….predicaments ….especially when it was brought on not even by my own actions . I am too tired to be enraged. I feel run over. Forward and back kind of …. roadkill
to think my biological father dealt with this kind of notoriety on a regular basis and on front cover headlines long before social media existed. Makes me look like a marshmallow withering in the corner. I’d only like it about a worthwhile subject on something worth anyone’s time
But I never liked attention that way. I only like fiction drama, I don’t do it in real life. But it seems people of that nature seem to target me (MM long ago said it was the red hair) and imagine I’m worth their game and I never notice their act because I want to allow the benefit of the doubt …. Maybe it’s time to stop doing that. If I am my own knight then I must believe everyone has a weapon against me unless they prove otherwise. I should have always been that way but I never wanted to be the cynical type
Now I know why the cynical types exist.
There is more story
More E.d, more Noir too, I suppose, and even more Brenda in the rubber shop with you know who
I’m just so world weary that I feel like I need a lifetime of peace before I can ….and I think I am done with people from now on and this time I mean it
(Kurczak, btw—ty)
that vincent van gogh syndrome
not with glamour nor humor, really, do I imply at all that, so many times it has felt I am living a life in between pages of some tragic Dickens novel
those years ago, when the psychic I met told me those things that all came true
said something else rather disturbing; it was during those years I studied between HB Studio and the Academy of Dramatic Arts in Manhattan —she said something like…. oh—you are not meant to be on a stage to portray heroic characters ….you are meant to be one of those desired to be portrayed in legend and most likely will be, but likely not in your life-time;but your life will not be easy as you choose these experiences for the purpose of knowing innate empathy for the human experience in order to purify within ….and without —those you touch ….but you will feel a life of being unloved; a life mostly lived alone and on your own; it will be a very lonely journey ….but not forever ….
some things you forget in life but as I encountered every crisis she outlined and —when— just by the timing of the stars and her ability to sense my energy; was so correct, (as she said my immortal self chose this time for the knowledge) and when nothing else has guided me as well as her words through these last twenty-five years of them haunting my memory of our meeting …. not forever, she said has carried me through
02 January 2022
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