And after he leaves …. that stunned feeling seems to stay with me. It is awhile that I realize I am still standing in the spot he left me at, staring at the exit he left from …. with the feel of his mouth still on my lips. And everywhere else it laid its claim to possess
And I actually say out loud to the empty room, “what just happened?”
as I am not at all sure what his visit achieved ….except to spin me around ….so confused now
“I’m such an idiot,” speaking again to the empty room, this time in a whisper
I look at the dining room table with the kale salad hardly touched and three days of hunger forgotten …. “that’s why I’m dizzy,” at least I tell myself that. And automatically go take the bowl from the table and decide to take it with me to eat somewhere else as Jörn’s ghost still lingers here smirking at me
my phone…. I think now…. because I feel like I need some distraction back to reality, reason —or—rather, some form of present or presence of mind. And of course, when I find it, it is where I left it —next to the phone charger Willem gave me as— I realize it’s still dead….
like a malfunctioning robot, I grab phone and charger with my bowl and fork and wander around the huge empty halls aimlessly, searching for a direction to go, and end up back in the bedroom where I left the suitcases. After a moment of looking at them as if they’re aliens, I head, naturally, to the bathroom and put down all objects on the mirrored table next to the marble bath tub. Then after plugging my phone in to charge, start the water and now see a happy surprise placed on a tray on the tub’s marble ledge; bergamot and eucalyptus
“she remembered….” whispered again to no one and pour in some of both
and watching the water fill up, sit on the ledge eating the salad still wondering what just happened….
do I believe him?
should I?
After days in that room staring at the spot where the safe was and ….hating him. For leaving me there.
But Willem…. ?
and I see again the memory ….the dream…. of the empty sea, the sun in the sky …. but then …. the most painful part recalls me again …. it was the same look in his eyes ….when I heard it this time in his voice
My phone makes a vibration sound and startles me back, and as I realize my bowl is now empty —I guess I was hungry after all, but I don’t remember eating.
I put the bowl down and look at my phone and see there are some dozen messages that all come up over the last app it was left open to— my music app left open to my Beethoven playlist. I must have accidentally opened this during the run-in with Retnuh Nivek outside the underground —so it must have been playing that whole time because I notice the volume had been turned all the way down…. so…. that’s why, my phone had no charge, I start to realize now
Again, like a robot, I look at who all the text messages were left by….
among them, I see several from Gerald:
<I hope u r ok. I had a vision last night and now just saw on the news report. Your pic is everywhere saying you have been taken hostage. But I am getting a strong feeling they are wrong and that you are in a “safe” place because I keep seeing the word “safe”. I will be sending you safe vibes. Please reach me if you can. I know you are in a dark place but have faith>
The next one from him says:
<whatever dark place you are in, have faith you will be found. this is part of why you met again. to right a wrong>
And the next message after this:
<I saw you were found, it just came on the report. Text me, I know you have doubts>
I turn away
By now the water has filled and I don’t want to think anymore. And after I get in, I decide to spend the next couple of hours in its warm depths not thinking of anything
….and reach to listen to Beethoven, it begins with “Emperor, concerto number 5 in E flat major, opus 73”
to blast everything away…. I gladly fall into another’s past
****
When Willem comes to see me off in the morning, meeting us in the parking garage by the nondescript black car, he says,
“I wanted to let you know Retnuh Nivek was spotted,” and pauses here to look at me and watch his words register. He continues, “by some reliable inside people…. in a —hospital— in Cairo. So, you can at least breathe easy he can’t do any harm now. You’ll be vindicated to know, he has suffered some debilitating injuries ….and will be out of commission, it is safe to say—indefinitely. And with my men watching you and with Michèle here—you’re in safe hands. It will be good for you to spend some time on the beach.”
And for a moment his news startles me enough to —forget what I first had meant to ask him….about Jörn
But after this I only stare at him
He puts his hand on my shoulder and then smiles, reaching to embrace me and after he does, I look up at him
“Willem….”
He sighs,
“yes, Dusk—I know you are angry I didn’t tell you about Jörn…. try to enjoy the Hamptons. I promise to stop by and say hello.”
Then I am ushered into the car and he shuts the door
It is a long drive from the city to the Hamptons and once we leave the congestion of the city, the dullness of the monotonous expressway lulls my thoughts. Because I have not seen these expressway road signs for so long, it takes me back to another time. What was it I said about layers? It seems now they strip off with each one we pass. Like lifetimes. Maybe Willem is right, I think, it would be a nice change to see the beach again…. and I stare out the window
And then it is hours later when again, stripped of more layers, with a sunny sky overhead, we reach Southamptons’ Main Street …. and here it is impossible to not think of my mother. My favorite memories of her are here with her
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