Fundamental keys; noir

“I don’t know what you mean,” I say

I get up from the tree and start going back down the path. And keep going.

It seems the heat has caught up with me; I go too fast and yet still I go. Just go. Want to get back, now, so, I focus on the sound of the ground under my feet

and ignore the dizziness that overcomes me—

just focus on the sound when my shoe hits the ground

...only it can’t override nor drown that I hear him call to me and have to run suddenly

I don’t think I can run faster than him, I just want to run 

but I don’t plan what I will do when he catches up

so when he does and pulls me to stop, we collide —which knocks the wind out of me

and notice stars cover my vision as I fall down

Like a split/that I don’t care, even as I hear his voice raised at me in alarm— I hardly notice as I try to breath

hear him tell me what to do

hear him tell me.

I just look at him then as that part follows instructions to do what he says. And do, just do and seem not to panic. Seem not to. Must never; never show ....and hold onto the walls

It seems I breath easy again and then he says,
“why did you take off like that?”

I shake my head,
“I told you, I’m hungry....” I stare into his eyes

He shakes his head,
“I don’t think that’s it.”

I push against him to stand up and get dizzy and fall against him,
“see, I’m hungry....” I say even as it isn’t really what I think but it’s not his business; he has no right, so I can say what ever I want to because I don’t want him in my head. He has no right. How dare he? How dare he.... he thinks he knows? He doesn’t know. He can’t know. How dare he think so? How dare he. Fuck him, how dare he....

“Why won’t you answer the question?” he asks

“What question?”

“That I just asked you.”

“What was it? The one about my mother and how I was invisible to her and would float in and out of existence?” I laugh, “I don’t know what you mean—“ I push him away, “it’s hot, can we go? You must be hungry too—let’s go make dinner—there’s broccoli—let’s make couscous—“

“The Little Mermaid....” he says it flat and his eyes watch my eyes and it is how sharp their edge can reach deep inside that cuts me right open and I feel my head go light as it hits my solar plexus

I run out of breath

One cannot escape one’s personal fundamental truth

“The original story did not end happy.... “ I say for any excuse to say anything except what it is he fishes for because it is my personal right. I can defend it. I will defend it. And nothing else matters.

Still. I realize as my mind begins to clear that he will not give up —not now; I think this now— this actually makes it worse—shit, what have I done?.... think....fuck, what now

“That disc your father gave you—“

He shakes his head and turns my face to him and forces me to look at him. Again the stare. I  turn my head; he pulls it back.

I look away with my eyes

“Look at me,” he says

“Please, can we go?” I ask him as a chill passes through me

I hear him say softly under his breath,

“‘I won’t come out, you must come in to me....’”

I feel another chill and look at him now. I shake my head,

“no....” I say but it comes out too small. As if I cannot speak. I say instead, “I told you the code was written backwards ....it wouldn’t have opened the safe.... I spelled the codes backwards.”

He draws his brows,
“you remembered the codes?”

“They’re all backwards,” I say and close my eyes as I play the piece in my mind ....right hand; thumb, middle finger, pinkie ....Beethoven ....left hand.... thumb ....as I fall down he catches me before I hit the ground