Chapter 5 Leap of faith; Bran and Beth continues (Electra's dictionary)

[from blog entree: 30^th of March ~Electra's dictionary:]

Hating father

….I was afraid of my father. I lived in terror of him, he called me nigger baby. I did not understand why back then. If he was in a bad mood and he happened to see me, whatever object was around.... well... I just learned to run from him. Learned to hide in corners, learned how to make myself invisible.

***

As I pull into a parking place to wait for Jamie at her school, my close friend Vera calls and we catch up on each other's week while I wait. She tells me about her life; work, people and her woes of dating.

After awhile she asks,

“So are you going to see him again?”

“Who?”

“Like you don't know who I mean.”

There are two jocks in uniforms leaving the football field and the tall, dark haired one is looking at me through the windshield. He makes eye contact with me and smiles. I find this amusing. I smile back.... it seems, the first evidence of Spring has now arrived, detected like a barometer in high school boys.

“And you never told me about Mr. Blind-date,” I say dodging her question.

“Because there is nothing to tell. It was the worst date I have ever been on,” she says as the tall dark haired boy approaches the car. He signals that I should roll down the window. So I do.

He says,

“sweet ride.”

“Thanks,” I say. This is not unusual; I have a funky kind of car that always draws attention. I turn my own back to Vera, “so uhhh.....” but the tall, young jock is still standing there so I don't close the window. I look up and wait to see if he needs something.

His friend says,

“he doesn't mean your car,” and laughs.

“Yes I did!” but the dark haired boy's face is going red.

“Who's that?” Vera asks, “are you talking to someone?”

“Some boys,”I whisper into the phone but smile at the boy as I raise the window up.

“Oh, are you being chased by high school boys again, Beth?”

“Very funny.”

“So you didn't answer me --are you going to see this guy Bran again? I mean.... it is about time something exciting happened in your romantic life. ”

“Have you forgotten that I'm married? Anyway, this is a business connection, Vera. Which I need. He is interested in my art. It is a professional interest.”

“Uh huh. Whatever... you say that, but I hear it in your voice. There's something about this guy. You like him. I know you.”

I wonder how she could have guessed this,

“I have to go,” I tell her.

She says,

“I haven't heard you sound this way years, Beth. It's good to hear that again, you almost sound like you again.... I mean, didn't Dean stop going to marriage counseling with you, yet you still go?”

“Yeah....” but by now Jamie has made it to the car. I see her turn to say something to the two jocks as she opens the car door, then hear her say,

“she's my mom.”

I watch the tall boy's face stare back at me in shock as he says something else but I can't hear what he has said. Whatever it is makes Jamie laugh.

“Hey, I gotta go, Vera, Jamie's getting in. Text me later.”

Jamie gets in and swings the car door shut and as she belts herself in she says,

“That guy I was just talking to, Mom? Zack-- he thought you were my sister.”

We both laugh about this as I pull away. Being with my daughter always makes me feel young. We do not go straight home, we decide to have some fun instead. To her that means the mall and sugar. I think it is the Spring hovering that lets me indulge her because I do not like malls and do not believe in sugar.

When we get home later, my mood is lifted. And it is only now that I can bring myself to answer Bran's text.... daunted by his question of who is Electra? It is about eight o'clock when I finally text back: it's just a story....

***

That night I try to make love to Dean. I do not know if it is to convince myself of something or to cleanse myself of something else; some kind of guilt. But he turns away. He goes to sleep instead. There is a feeling of relief that is empty as I stare up at the ceiling. I feel like I am floating out of myself. Without anchor. No attachment. And it makes me think of my painting of  'Wavegirl' and the tremendous hole inside.

***

The next morning there is another message from Bran. He tells me that some business he thought he had taken care of here has not been resolved and he has fly back. He asks: can we meet again?

I hesitate to reply. And then don't....

But then, finally I reply: when?