today I walked thirteen miles without realizing …. where is my head lately, I swear I don’t know…. but it’s what I do, you know adhd I ….suffer from hyper and need constant exercise. It’s rather excessive with me; like a compulsion I can’t stop. sometimes I don’t know what drives me but it’s not the manic I know and seen in …. my ex, for me it is always there and never goes away. I was shocked when the ptsd therapist told me I am stoic …. well, I put it in just one place full of boxes
16 April 2022
15 April 2022
Electra’s dictionary and film noir; infinity
I truly get the feeling that nobody really knows that life is real
so they waste every second
these things you think about as you are watching someone …. slip away
or when it is you
when you see your small body crumpled up like road kill and
you think …. poor thing
and then God taps you on the shoulder and says,
“baby, that’s you down there…. she’s dying …. aren’t you going to save her?”
*******
I watch myself do things ….I watch from far away….
as I watch fingers sew up Jörn’s wound ….
And as I come back to myself I realize I’ve been somewhere far away …. lost in some dream world …. where dictionaries are all encoded and nobody ever figured it out ….And have to rush down the ladder as I now vomit at the sight of blood, I manage to clean it all up using the bottled water and by now …. the shields are all in place ….I remember now something else ….about his opera and …. the trigger that began this entire labyrinthine journey to a Celf …..
13 April 2022
Electra’s dictionary & film noir/impairments have power
He says,
“the bullet is still in there,” in such a tone as one might say, ‘I had a shitty day’ with an accompanied resigned sigh
something always switches for me in moments of crisis but it takes just the right shove to carry me over that threshold
the shock of blood everywhere, the paleness of his complexion ….just to the welcome mat when first only I feel that lightheaded warning …. then the taste of fear when he says,
“I can’t reach it—“he suddenly moves to lean towards me extending a utility knife, “it’s in my shoulder—behind—you’re going to have to do it….” and looks up at me matter-of-fact with those eyes, now foggy with fatigue
“Me? I’ll call 911–“ I reach for my phone
“Nej!” he shouts this and shocks me so much that I drop my phone. It lands loudly on the floor board wood plank
I stare at him
“No….” he says more calmly, “no one can know I’m here…. alive….”
This is when the switch occurs….
it is involuntary ….like spring loaded; a catapult when he says,
“But I might not be if an infection sets in….just need to get the bullet out— duva…. I’ll tell you what to do….”
It is always at that moment when it happens that I know ….I am invincible and all fears and emotions blow away, like stepping out of a costume and being aware of only ….energy and watch it all happen…. fingers, objects and just calculations
It is a strange thing about this moment when you sit on the precipice of two awarenesses and I have heard it categorized as the common garden variety of disassociation but I don’t know but if it is, then maybe it is not well understood. Sometimes worlds need to be saved and not everyone in it notices what is happening in the furthest reaches of corners ….
“Use that needle ….” he tells me
“There’s rubbing alcohol in the kit,” he tells me
I use it to cleanse the area with strips of fabric torn from the bottom of my shirt and then my hands
“There’s also a bottle of vodka,” he gestures with his head at the rucksack I only just notice by the door where I came in
I get the bag and bring it over,
“how long have you been here?”
“What time is it?”
I show him my phone for the time
“So I spent the night here….”
“How—?”
“Chopper.”
“Who?”
He shakes his head,
“I can’t tell you…. I’m surprised you didn’t hear—wake up the dogs or….”
“He has the television up pretty loud,” I hand him the vodka
I watch him take a long swig, then look up at me with one brow raised,
“ready?”
invincible
07 April 2022
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