…. life is so terrifying 

you enter this world and it all starts 

the canons in all directions

and it never stops 

nobody says aloud —are you scared? 

I am 

all the time ….it is always war everywhere, even the kind in little worlds; we are all so fragile 

why is love so intangible? 

….peace, little dove, Electra 

 

e.d.

I receive a strange message …. is it Jörn?

 

Electra’s dictionary and film noir/jmmusechron next chapter 

So I find I think of Jörn all the time; constantly and …. I wonder was it always this way? ….is it only that I am conscious of it now because …. or is it the fear of what danger he may be in?

I think of the thrill …. those times at Lincoln center; rushing to concert just to see him …. to watch him up there, so beautiful and golden in the lights and now, who knows what dark cover he has assumed for this new caper 

I don’t like this. Not to be near him has become a physical ache lately which— no, I don’t mean it in that way; I mean it in another way; a way I am not so familiar …. in a way that I never thought I was capable so—I wonder about it all with the world as it is

And I think about that Viking and that Celtic girl; a girl’s life I relive almost every night….

Maybe ….

it must mean something if it is another end to another era perhaps ….? 

I think of him that day in the lobby the first time I saw him …. I really don’t think I am supposed to ignore ….

 

he wants me to write of him; in the din of our world our separate peace

he wants to read how my words describe what his voice does to me; or he wishes to crawl within my head and know my secret thoughts of him 

words that require decoding because, well, he knows that every thought I reveal, I say a thousand more 

so he wonders how would my contradictions describe one of —what— thousands of fleeting sexual thoughts of him? 

assuming …. do I? today —where, how, and how many…. such a bad boy 

another marker for a page

 

so, this is yet another marker for a page 

…. there has been something that has been weighing heavily on my heart and on my mind these last several weeks

I have known for quite awhile that the brother of my best friend since elementary school was dying of ALS. A most wicked, cruel and tortuous way to have to waste the ending days of a life

and so, this has been pressing upon my thoughts throughout all that has been on my mind for weeks

I remember him vividly, even though I’ve not seen him since we were young.

He was her second older brother; tall, wiry and athletic, with a confident arrogance. Even as a boy, he was breathtakingly handsome; a boyish version of my best friend. He was dazzling, I idolized him

and so, it makes me sad 

so…. it seems, he has— at last, found peace 

I mark this page for electra …. 

searching….

…. his messages come to me and as clearly they do say so well; so very well….

as much as they do …. they do not …. 

💌📌tack