cyfrinach ryfedd amdanaf - byddaf yn cyfaddef yma yn iaith niwl a hud…. (a'm treftadaeth gudd, gudd)
does neb yn berchen arna i. Nid wyf erioed wedi cwrdd â dyn yr oeddwn yn teimlo ei fod yn deilwng i allu rhoi fy hun iddo. weithiau mae wedi teimlo ei fod oherwydd fy mod i eisoes yn perthyn i rywun ers talwm. mae wedi bod fel hyn i mi erioed; roedd yno bob amser yn cysgodi fy meddyliau a'm cof
always, it is when in my worst hour of need that he appears; he does come to me
…..in dream
I wake up with my mind caught in a lasso. emotions and then nostalgia …. destroy me…. and no idea why….
if I could, I would admit ….
and say
the only grip I have ….tossed out through the cyber channels and volleyed like a whisper ….from the language of our codes —that very threadbare faith …. I am truly heard…. and it is not imagined
….thank you
the blog was always the apparatus; the clipboard; the place to gather notes and work out the plots and the characters. that I did it this way and not privately, was—at first, mostly for the convenience of using a public forum that didn’t require having to save everything into documents I’d lose because of my tendency to travel and move around a lot. I could pick it up anywhere I was and look back to old posts for reference. Ironically, I had not expected a certain reader of it to often remind me of certain posts —and—feel more encouraged of aspects and plot lines. so enormously helpful
Especially when I stopped putting links to the posts through social media, I started to realize over the years of working on a public site, that my aim was not intended to ‘trend’ but to find ….through accident or word of mouth…. my intended following; nonprofit and altruistic and with the purpose to inspire, hence create a pure ‘cause’ or creative humanitarian ‘platform’ but not to be an activist per se; never mind who my father was and dna memory that I have come to realize, cannot be escaped
As I read through the newer edition of the Decameron, with a fresh interpretation and introduction, I realize more—and some things I had not consciously thought of. Like the format of the telling and the author’s voice, but also, how I somehow fell upon the stories within stories
evaluating what I have done recently ….I’ve had such moments of terror over my recent choice of moving and circumstances ….(and the instinct not to share this site)…. was it to come full circle? to let go of a past —from this lifetime…. seeing someone in a true light instead of a teenager’s impression and finding that most really…. came from my own imagination. I must consider how often I tend to do this; embellish what is not otherwise there
as then I realize everything is meant to apply because it is a journey of growing and life; comparing a present with so many pasts…. and understand, as a human with flaws, how to pick up a new direction with what those mistakes showed —the expression ‘there are no accidents or mistakes’ seems to be the guided path I have unwittingly stumbled upon as my course
the present real concern, hence becomes, am I in a physical place to focus…. shifting the blog story format now back to a script format…. but as I have a few years of notes to draw from—but dialogue was always my natural and more comfortable ‘voice’ —I know how to do this….so…. if it means, at present, turning the focus of the project to preparing what I’d always intended it—into a ‘product’
electra…. I have always been honest to him about my work, my purpose…. if I am not heard by someone….that is on them, not me….
