A line of Noir, perched between the worlds; they overlap and collide/Part 1(e.d.&muse, to be continued….later)

 

despondent& seems we are far from free of our plague(s)—how should I move forward? ….like iron laden heavy are the wings, is it worth it all? or am I just crazy ….

….why do they always begin with compliments before they rip you down and find fault with everything and assume they own and possess every corner of your time and mind and free will. fuck

Where does the diary end and the story begin, where do we place the markers and the messages

And as I wait in indecision….

over what it all means…. I ask the universe to show me a path before I disappear completely; mute, unheard, obliterated and meaningless

****

the muffled voices drift up from the courtyard as I watch the waves and lean back against the pirate’s headboard feeling sleepy…. he comes to me in dream….

     

segway next scene/A short from Electra’s dictionary

It is hours later in the master suite, when I am alone, that I think of what Stina said …. leaving me to brood over our conversation on the beach earlier

 she had left my company to return to the others with this parting remark —said almost like an absent-minded afterthought—

“it must be quite curious for you wondering about what Retnuh said— the Will …. and your sister….” 

It is the calculated inflection of her words ….and then the well timed pause between 

“I know if it were me I would want to get my hands on any information that could be dug up on her—any idea who would have access to unlimited personal information?” and then she says, “Quid pro quo …..” and walks away

So I sit there for a long while staring into the waves not realizing how long until I feel the chill of sundown blow from the water. and get up and walk back

only then to find that I get lost in thought again, watching the water from the balcony off the master suite, going over all recent events and conversations with everyone …. and hear the muffled voices from the courtyard drift up from the secret spy meeting outside…. Jörn’s particular, distinctive dry voice often dominating the conversation, with loud responses from the others 

“Do I wait for him?” I say to the empty room, he never said ….how long the meeting would be. nor if he would be leaving soon after …. I think now, and wonder again about the conversation he meant to have with me. And start to feel sleepy ….as I think over and over his words…. analyzing his words for a clue 

but I go in circles and have to give up and go to fill the marble deep tub with water and sit on the ledge and watch it as I wait wait for it to fill high enough, and then, sunk deep into the water and shut my mind to everything 

When I get out to dry off, I notice the towel has a monogram of initials and an insignia…. I feel my face suddenly burn when I recognize both …. design and initials —on all— of the silver gray towels…. Wtf….

 I don’t even have to remind myself that they match the engraving on the platinum pendant I’ve been wearing all year since he gave it to me. I know the design well…. 

How did I not notice this on the towels until now?

I text Gerald from the edge of the massive, Spanish, pirate ship bed 

<what reason do two souls meet again?>

and press send. And as I do I find I am magnetically drawn to stare out into that vast deep blue sea and the waves that hypnotize my mind 

why do two souls meet again….? Are we destined to repeat our past mistakes? Is he still that pirate in the guise of a spy? do things always repeat…. until you get it right? …. but maybe not everyone gets to find out

After a blank space of time of being somewhere I know not where, re-entering the present reality finds me staring at the phone …. like it’s some kind of alien…. when an alert sounds, as if it is from some space-age enterprise and, for a moment, I seem hovered between parallels of realities …. one foot in this world and another in that long forgotten land in that little hut they shared, and now, with the scent of him on the sheep hides. strangely, now, when worlds collide, I feel the overlap within my mind as it fills my head 

A reply text comes from Gerald 

he says:

<sometimes unfinished business is, in itself, a powerful reason>

<but how can it be resolved? I mean—because he was not there in time to save her?how can this wrong be made right?>

<but also to resolve. as your friend, I can be a bit blunt because you can be extremely obtuse so…. don’t pretend not to be aware of your issues of mistrust. your meeting now is no coincidence. what reason do two souls meet again? My ‘professional opinion’ would conclude —what was too quickly taken away, to have the second chance to love. to feel. and to heal.>

today’s thoughts of the legend

 

I find a newer translation of the Decameron at the bookstore which opens the mind to fresh spins of meanings

dearest e.d…..

I hesitate. Because I am worried about matters of the world; places everywhere lately in the world all reaching a dangerous point…. And most troubling and ominous— the resurgence of the Corona virus that mutates newer strains that test the vaccine’s potency…. new cases everywhere being experienced in many places in the world—besides the ignorant protesters of vaccines in this country ….as it brews and stews more toil and trouble as it rampantly rages its venom 

yet my resolution in my cause is only more passionately felt only I truly worry we are at our eleventh hour….. what then, electra?

 ….the witching hours of humankind like some hibernating nocturnal animal 

and …. in my own life I have felt, recently, the way I have imagined Katherine de Roet felt pledging herself to her knighted first husband trading freedom in order to be under protection from predators 

I purge through my purpose and meditate asking for signs my project should matter still —if we face the real possibility of more mass deaths —how is it possible to move forward with actual faith and hope and purpose ?

even though I’ve neatly reworked how the closing scene goes for Vol 1 ….I pause to reflect and watch the world; to wonder over all recent impactful events I find most disturbing to see, reflect ….and search within myself how to visualize some Greek moral; to make sense of life…. and search too for how to drive home what I can imagine can logistically be done; to stay clear on the relevance of purpose of this project and just as important— to make it viably attainable to achieve 

from Beatrice to Heathcliff (edjmmuse)

a hidden door to doorways

It was this queer chill tap upon the shoulder. I mean that day…. I think, at first, it was his walk…. of all things…. he had a strangely strong familiar aura about him …. it was as if I was drawn to stare; as if a magnetic field drew me to keenly focus upon him. I knew that walk before…. how often and how many times have I seen such an image emblazoned on my inner retina …. he moved easily within the faded dreams outline of ….. the pirate on the boat…. his every manner filled in the gaps of memory the dreams had not shown but now made the memory image stronger and more clear ….

And then it was his eyes; that haunting, wild beauty balanced between noble and savage 

that lifelong question

electra, darling —where oh where are those intensely intellectual, sensitive men? 

a marker

 

how cruelly he does tread across my emotions in his hobnail boots…. the wings begin to feel like anchors, dear electra 

immortal pirate; the man with the vampire eyes(e.d.jmmuse)

 

there are other times I recall about the pirate from my dreams; the man with the vampire eyes

…. and I still see the strange and vast landscapes 

I seem always in search of to find again those long forgotten plains and barren hills

—they reach out from my subconscious and from the depths of sleep in dreams —and remain imprinted in my thoughts all the next day…. traveling journeys often on foot and with the vampire shadow that falls over my view; the gold flax of his hair shimmering on the wind and following behind him

….sometimes when I’m walking; it is something about the motion of the swing in my hips and the weight I carry….

this is when, on the oasis of my thoughts, upon that horizon ….

I can see him from the line of shore…. and the boat waiting

loaded for the journey