in search of dharma in the Adirondaks

 

 

Unsafe Broken Codes/Noir room within, Part 2

Even as I know I cannot stay forever…. I realize that I do not want to leave. I am filled with terror at the thought.

these walls that are sound proof they keep the world away. I do not want to leave 

……

I slide down the wall until the ground stops me. Here no one can get in…. unless they know the code …. the locks are on the inside 

safe

no knot is tight enough to pull myself into to keep the memory out and the fear never goes away. I press into the wall and cover my eyes …. the smell is on me …. with all the others …. all my enemies who put me here …. I don’t want to leave here …. why must I go? for more? and the shallow reassurance…. they mean no harm when they know what happened but use their traps not hearing anything I’ve said 

and it is awhile that I stay like that ….confusing where I am 

and time and place; strange and unfamiliar. I feel disoriented 

I look around me. It is only when I see the electric piano keyboard leaning against the wall that I start to place myself back into the present 

In an empty spot on the floor I see a kind of square. Like the kind when something is moved and it shows the dust around it.

Slowly it occurs to me that …. was where the safe was

was….

I look around the otherwise empty room now and see that besides the keyboard there is nothing else in it.

I look up at the light above …. and start to wonder what time it is

I reach for my phone now. But I realize after touching the screen and pressing the button ….it has gone dead…. 

it does not yet occur to me if I should worry about this …. instead I remember I still wear the platinum watch …. only—should I assume it is accurate? but knowing Jörn, as I do, I suspect it would be. It is analogue with hands and numbers and it says …. some time after eleven …. and find I don’t know if that means morning or night ….and try to remember 

we were outside and it was still early …. but how long was it that came after ….? 

And still it makes no sense to me.

But where is the safe? 

I stand up, having to use to wall to drag myself onto my feet as it seems every muscle in my body is screaming with pain…. oh there is pain in other places too …. but no…. I must not feel …. do not feel —the smell is on my skin; I intentionally refocus my thoughts away 

only now I think again about the safe. I walk to the spot where it was, where the dust did not go; the neat square it left behind. And then I look at the keyboard and wonder dully about this walking now over to it. It leans sideways on the wall. I kneel to touch the keys …. and remember Jörn’s hands just then

I straighten back up and now wonder about him …. 

And wonder now ….why has he not come? Yet, it seems, he took the safe…. 

And I think a new thought: he knows the code now…. 

he no longer needs me…. is this why he has not come?

I walk around the perimeter of the room that is somewhat dimly lit and go in a circle around searching for another hidden doorway that might not be easily visible as the walls are painted a dark tone that is almost black

when I reach the furthest wall where the light hardly reaches, I find a door with no codes and open it. But it is only a small lavatory with just a sink and a toilet. I look up to see if there are any vents that might lead to somewhere —but there is nothing. 

I look at the clinical looking sink that is clean. There is liquid soap in a dispenser beside it and a another dispenser that has paper cups. I reach for one right now and drink, realizing how thirsty I am. I find it hard to swallow ….and remember the hands …. on my throat. The memory makes me gag. 

I put down the cup and now reach for the soap dispenser and start to wash myself. I scrub the places where the smell seems all over me…. and scrub and scrub …. and I can still feel the hands on me and remember …. remember why the smell disturbs me…. how is it that a smell can immediately take you somewhere in an instant so sharply back? and I scrub some more and remember another memory attached to that very smell …. 

then feel the sick in my throat …. but my stomach is empty and I can only dry heave …. but keep heaving until the pain in my sore throat from those hands forces me to stop

I walk back out and walk back over to stare at that square on the floor 

But where is he? 

Where is ….Jörn? 

….did I only just imagine he ever cared? What if none of it was ever real?

what if it wasn’t …. and I was just a code ….to crack …. just something to add to his collection for his ego 

 



the Noir room within

but I do not look to see, I turn fast to where I know the hidden door is, hidden in a crack in the wall of the gym, releasing the catch of the platinum watch swiftly, ready with the other hand grasping the tiny key that dangles with the platinum safe locket, tap the tip of it against the indentation on the back of the watch’s face and magically it shows itself to where I last saw the real safe hidden, just codes away 

And once within its chamber I slam fast the secret door 

and once enclosed …. there is no sound at all. sealed, not even sound comes through

It is a long time that I stay there, leaning up against it, a long time after I’ve caught my breath and lean my head into the wall, eyes shut tight …. 

within another room ….

where nothing can get inside 

…. where nothing comes in

nothing comes in and nothing goes out …. where nobody can touch me, I belong to me; I am me, I am mine, I belong to me and I am fine. 

I am me I am mine, and nothing gets inside. I am me I am mine I belong to me…. and nothing gets inside 

os nad oes unrhyw un yno, a yw’r adlais yn bodoli?

pam ydw i'n teimlo'n fwy coll nag erioed?  Rwy'n teimlo fy mod wedi fy threchu.  Mae'n rhy hwyr.  gadawsom y ferch dan glo am gyfnod rhy hir.

 yr adlais hwnnw

Roeddwn yn anghywir, ni chlywodd erioed, nid oedd erioed yno

Electra’s dictionary & film noir/the dungeon of hell Scene continues (jmmusechron)

 

“I think it’s time to remind you about how things go with Retnuh, don’t you?” he asks, while we go along the long corridor, all the time keeping sight of his watch.

I guess he’s looking for either some way in to look for the safe or, going with the feeling he’s looking for Deiter, either way, he seems to have some indication of where he’s going and as I am familiar with the underground, I know we are heading in the direction of the dungeon and the cage where I saw Deiter was locked up. 

But seeming doubtful, he says now, glancing at his watch,

“you know the way in, dontcha?” And looks intently at me with those soulless black hole demonic bulging eyes and to emphasize his intent, gathers the fabric of the collar of my shirt into a tight squeeze and slowly begins to squeeze hard, as if to remind me of that night in that dorm room. It does. And I feel the eerie cold chill of fear as my flesh seems to crawl by his physical contact—at the same time I feel sick and can’t breathe. I hold my breath and my nerve —and stare blankly back at him. 

He studies my eyes,

“let’s see if I have to remind you what happens if you don’t do whad I say,” he whispers this moving his face closer to me, “I think you need remindin’,” he whispers into my ear and leaves a vile wet trail on my neck. Then squeezes my throat in both hands and I feel him press into my vertebra in the same place as last time—pressing painfully on the damaged tissues so that, involuntarily I cry out

But I nod and try to make a sound affirming his request as I blankly stare back at him, still holding my nerve.... I keep my thoughts neutral, I force my mind to plan.... to not let him win.... and I think too of revenge 

“You take me to Deiter, hear?” he asks

I nod and again try to make a sound but only a tiny, choked sound emerges. 

He lets go suddenly with a shove and I nearly fall as I gasp for air. But, anxious to move away from him, then not wasting time, quickly look around to gauge how close we are ....I start walking forward.... 

and then things start to register in my mind as some thoughts of a plan ....when I see the wall lamps, recognizing them, knowing what they mark; see looking down the corridor the whole line of them all along the walls.... 

then I think of Jörn .... 

I touch my phone making sure it is still in my pocket —and I think: he will find me.... 

he will come.... I know he will come

and then remember too how he showed me the slight depressions in the walls ....how they indicate where the keypads are hidden; each one opening to secret doorways .... 

and glance as we pass them

I lead him further through the long, winding corridor and then we go around the turns and through towards the catacombs that lead to the dungeon, we follow how it winds around, passing the electric rover, still plugged in where Jörn left it, still charging. 

Then it is a damp, cave-like passageway through to where what once had been the secret distillery and wine cellars during prohibition times. We go down to the next bend and now the fluorescent ceiling lights illuminate the way to the conveyor belts. From there it leads straight into the dungeon.

It seems a million years ago since I last was here, I think now looking at it—even though it has only been one day it seems a million years ago ....but somehow, seeing it again now, fills me with some sense of reassurance as I have come to know every inch of this place so well ....like being on one’s own turf; I know where I can hide, I know the way....

And then, there it is: the cage —now with its prisoner gagged with duct tape and cuffed

And still consider plans.... and glance to the right where the bat staircase is. How it leads outside to that other side-street with the general store front and gas pump ....remembering so many things.... and again, think of Jörn. And absently, I touch the the platinum pedant of the mini safe he made for me —with the tiny key— that still hangs from my neck ....and think too of where the real safe is hiding 

Retnuh grabs hold of me by the collar of my shirt and drags me with him towards the cage towards Deiter tied up but he now has regained consciousness. He makes a sound in his throat from the cage and tries to stand up, but his handcuffs have him locked to the steel unit built into the floor where I’d found the phone charger that day

“Shii-iit!” Retnuh says walking towards the cage and dragging me with him as he stares at Deiter shaking his head, “fuck! That ain’t good!” then, without warning, shoots the padlock on the cage, then kicks the gate open

He drags me with him into the cage, then with a shove, tosses me aside and walks straight over to Deiter and rips off the duct tape from his mouth

“Mutha-fukka! Geezzzuz-fucking-Christ!! What the fuck!” Deiter says with a German accent, rubbing his lip, “thanks all the same, brother,” he says with sarcasm and shoots him a resentful glance

“How the fuck did you git yourself like dat—yo, bro—you may be on yo own unless you gotta clue where they keeps da key,” Retnuh shrugs

“Paper clip,” Deiter shakes his head towards the desk

Retnuh pulls open the top drawer.

And I notice as he does this there’s nothing in it.

Retnuh pulls open the next drawer, but that drawer has also been cleared out. He yanks open every drawer but they are all empty. I watch him as he goes to the one where I usually do the Cabaret orders which faces the other desk, and now he goes over there to look but these drawers are also empty —and I notice that all the computers are gone too.  

“Here’s one,” Retnuh finds a stray paper clip on the floor by the chair.

As he picks it up, I use the moment of his distraction to start inching back towards the gate considering where to make a run for it ....go over all exits in my mind

and wonder too if there is anything I could use as some kind of weapon —thinking of the gun hidden behind the filing cabinets in that secret cabinet assuming it is still there, but I’d not even know how to use it and the chances of me reaching it and moving that heavy unit without notice are obviously nil ....

I keep moving backwards keeping my eye on Retnuh attempting to open Deiter’s handcuffs with the paper clip —then, now I notice too that the ‘graze’ Jörn gave him with that shot appears to be making a pool of blood onto the floor, dripping out from under his sleeve 

I take a careful breath and manage to get all the way outside the gate without notice —and decide— it’s now or never!

And make a run for it!

And as I take off I notice there are boxes in the way of the first hidden door under the staircase .... and then have to make a run towards the next passage that leads back through the catacombs not taking the way that Retnuh dragged me as this way is shorter to the nearest hidden door and force myself to sprint like the devil is chasing me

.... only it is not long before my escape move is noticed 

blocking out fear, I run in a mad dash, think of my advantage: he’s lost blood ....and when I get past the first bend, I head to the first glowing light I see and stop by it, find the slight impression in the wall where to hit —and the keypad opens

Fuck! my birthday? —backwards—? a challenge to any dyslexic —and have to think and know a moment’s sheer panic as I hear running foot steps approaching.... 

Fuck! —fingers shaking— I miss the buttons first attempt! Fuck! and ignore the sound of approaching footsteps 

and this time get the numbers in

the door releases —but just as it does, I see Retnuh has caught up!!Slamming my weight against the door now, it swings open wide —but my timing is not in my favor

Retnuh has made it to the doorway in time to stop it from slamming shut with his foot.... as I run inside....

and he leans on the door for a moment and narrows his demonic eyes at me and realize I am cornered 

Until it occurs to me what doorway I have chosen to run into! It is Jörn’s gym! 

Shaking, I turn to face Retnuh.... and see now that he seems slightly woozy as he stands in the doorway —and now breathless, he stops to breathe to try and catch his breath. He takes this moment to check his wound and I see the bloodstain on the sleeve of his jacket has now thoroughly soaked through his jacket sleeve. He takes off his jacket and then drops it on the floor in the doorway, and leans inside the doorframe; I can see he seems to need the support—he pulls up his shirt sleeve to inspect the gunshot wound. 

Nervously, I feel again for the platinum pendant.... with the tiny key and glance around the room then look back at him....

After a moment, he rubs his face as though to revive himself from the wooziness; the blood loss, clearly, has begun to affect him. He looks around the room sluggishly, observing the surroundings,

“well, well, this underground bunker is sure full of surprises!” but his laugh is weak as he looks around, “a nice little gym he got going on here!” he laughs again, “too bad it don’t lead you nowhere, baby, ’cept te yo doom! Uh huh.... got dat right.... so.... whad ya think yo gonna do now?” 

I glance over at one of the benches .... remembering this was where I last found the platinum watch ....

I see it now .... it reflects it’s weird blue that comes from the overhead light, and look at him as I back towards the bench 

“Where yo think yo goin’? I tells ya.... yo ain’t got no where to run baby.... you are trapped but good now!” he keeps laughing but slightly lumbered in his moves he starts to walk towards me .... a hunter sniffing the scent of prey .... and as he moves into the room, the door slowly swings free of where he had been holding it, but it is stopped from closing all the way by his jacket laying there on the floor

I back towards the bench and feign a faltered misstep to make it seem I accidentally fall to land in a sit on on the bench and reach as though to scratch my ankle .... doing my best to be casual, stealth, in a slight move, get hold of the watch and deftly slip it onto my wrist and jump up to dart further away from him to the next bench that is adjacent to this one.... and put some distance between us and from his evil, heinous eyes 

Then glance around deciding what next....There are various weights laying around, on the floor and some stacked up on shelving.... 

And behind me there’s a wall that faces the wall on opposite side of the room where the hidden doorway is that leads to the secret room with the safe....

only I know I can’t reach it now, he’s blocking the way.... and—I’m trapped....I move now behind the bench staring at him

....and try to glance around for something —anything— I can use.... 

all I need is a long enough moment —a good deterrent.... 

weights.... 

I see a few free weights on the floor by my foot, but the one closest to me, has too many weights on it for me to be able to lift.... I back some more until I hit the wall, then, angling, knowing right now I can move quicker than he can —dart fast to another bench. This one has a stack of bars with weights on grooved shelving on it —I back slightly behind this, then spot a set of free weights I recognize and have used and know I can lift —I wait until he moves closer— and make a quick move for it, without warning, in a swift motion, I grab it in both hands and with all my strength swing it hard right at him, it slams hard against his neck as I release my grip and throws him off balance! 

(to be continued)

since everyone keeps asking me what I look like these days (just not looking for attention), here’s a messy after-workout selfie I just took, so, yeah, I’m still here and that’s me now; same, just longer hair

in a moment fleeting between the scenes and the walls, notes to Celf

.....these most recent years —I suppose since 2014 and all that happened.... I have developed an irrational fear of Trojan horses; something resembling an extreme phobia. the portcullis slams and the drawbridge withdraws as some kind of wild panic descends

without any conscious choice to do so

I feel I am running wildly in a madness while simultaneously hiding under the covers