I wish I had a pet that took care of me

sometimes I think of him as a giant mastiff. he would be fierce to everyone but to me he would have kind eyes and lay down beside me. he would keep me warm at night and protect me from those who try to invade me. he would would be loyal to me and devoted and adore me. and he would always be there. instead of demanding I take him on walks, he would demand to take me and get me out when I was sad. he would carry the heavy bags when they got too much. he would know when danger was coming. he would carry me on his back and take away 

he would smell good. not like flowers, but like pine trees and wet earth, his warm tongue would wash away all poison and pain 

and when he lay his head upon my lap he would suggest I should sleep 

and watch over me. and my dreams 

 When hell freezes over 

but it would be remiss I think if I did not at some time say, about Persephone’s father that as I have so often touched upon this Hades has mellowed. Hell has freezed over. And I did not say before. I could not. Those shocks of truths about yourself you find can still surprise you. Especially about him. I buried that. Well, it’s like knocking your elbow wrong —it hurts, but I do hear it; have, no I know and can tell he—that I’ve caught up with him. It’s funny about life.he found my boxes with sentimental things. He found some old love letter from a guy I don’t remember. His voice was odd but it’s weird. Something he said last year about some character in a show we watched at Christmas….how’d he put it? It was like —this guy was caught in the act by his girlfriend and the guy regretted it instantly and I didn’t get it ! I sat there discussing this with him and he said something like, “he knew he had a good thing but then he wasn’t used to it so when someone else gave him attention it went to his head but then he was sorry but —see, he wasn’t used to it!”

I don’t know. I didn’t like the explanation but then I understood 

I ignored it

until now 

I knew what he was telling me but I ignored it. I mean what do you do with it but no it was more too much for me to process emotionally just beyond my circuits to hear what he was saying. But I heard it. Like a sphinx. The one on the shelf with the pieces glued together. 

It’s weird about people sometimes. It’s weird about people. In my sphere. How they swirl around. Now he paints. It’s good for him. But it blows my mind. Still it should not surprise me maybe more hallelujah —so, sometimes I just get these moments like …. I don’t know ….

I guess I believe that all our contemporaries are parts of our soul, and the networks; the atoms we are pulled to, our connections we are drawn to and bond to are the fragments rooting to fit 

Notes in effort to find if there is purpose

When you think about the world or the earth, maybe it’s just me, but I wonder about how much it’s valued. 

Looking to move off to Mars

Sometimes I think about the earth this way

Like a ship that has treasures that may one day get lost in a dark abyss

Do connections matter?

Would we remember earth as well and fondly care if there were no physical evidence left? What would Shakespeare mean without Stratford upon Avon or the Globe theatre; a notion; an idea

who would know to feel to care and feel affection for the wistful romance upon the steps of the Montmartre or understand with true amusement what is behind that hidden glory of the architectural reason for the Dutch gables 

Are connections part of the individual whole because of their relation to 

those that know their value 

as it serves to define and measure the individual’s meaning 

Some notes; a side work I’ve been exploring

 

I have always been interested in art movements. When creative minds come together and a great renaissance is born is something to behold among art lovers. 

When we think of how minds shape cultures and what match lit the fire we search for those sources. We search because we wish to see how the ideas were born.

the bus to Sunflower valley continued

When she stepped onto the bus, the very spot she had been standing was at that moment struck by lightening 

It was a moment so electrifying to her senses that it struck her that maybe there was some force watching over her 

The bus driver cleared his throat as the smell of burnt wet leaves mixed with electricity seemed to highlight the present. Soberly he said,

“ticket.”

And for a minute he looked at the ticket oddly. Then punched it with the metal gun that endorsed it.

As she turned to walk towards the back of the empty bus, she heard the driver say,

“was starting to wonder if anyone was getting on after all.”

Class dismissed/half school day first day continued

After our principal told us class was dismissed, everyone poured out of the army barrack schoolroom 

I remember the sounds of running feet pounding on the wood floor as they ran 

And I remember dissolving into that hard wooden seat not wanting to have to face that boy again. 

There was Caroline to my left at her desk and another girl she sat next to; I forget the other girl’s name. But before I was there, Caroline and the other girl were friends. I think the other girl was blonde and from the Midwest that’s all that I remember about her, besides that she looked typical girl from the Midwest and she had a bright magenta coat you could spot a mile away. 

Both their dads worked at IBM in those days it was a joke that it stood for I’ve Been Moved because of how often their employees changed locations for their work, but that was how they knew each other, which was why they were friends as they knew each other from another European country. 

The other three girls in our class were from Japan. They didn’t speak any English at all and they sat in the back together. It’s funny, but—during recess, I played with them and we would just go by the swings. Before the boys started making things terrible for me. But it was all Sargent’s doing

Caroline liked to play rugby too. And she was better than most of the boys. Except for Sargent. So during recess Caroline would play rugby with the boys and —because I can’t recall her name, I’ll call her Middy (for midwest)—and Middy would trail after Caroline and just watch in the field. 

But that was later 

Today, on my first day there was ice skating and from moment I sat down next to her in class after she gathered my composure and book bag and helped me to the desk she was mumbling nothing but,

“we’re going to get let out to skate on the canal…. It’s frozen perfect….we’re getting a half day…. “

How did she know? 

She always knew things. And she always came prepared. 

“Hey,” she said swinging her bag and looking at me, “don’t you want to go ice skating?”

Like—no. Not really. I wanted to say. Not if that Caligula freak boy is going to be at large out there

But there was also the bad ice skating incident I’d had taking lessons back in Florida at the Fontainebleau Hotel that made me phobic to ever try again. It was an embarrassing accident that haunted my preteen life

 But I said, 

“no. I don’t have skates.”

“You can use mine!” Middy seemed way too fast to offer, in my opinion, “I think we might be the same size!”

Caroline wouldn’t have the same shoe size. Caroline was a giant. She towered over all the boys, except for Sargent; but she was still obviously taller than him too

“But don’t you want to skate?” I asked Middy more hopefully that she might 

“I prefer sliding in my shoes! It’s more fun!!” And she did really say that. I remember this because that is exactly what she did when we got out there. 

“Come on!” Caroline encouraged me

I did not want to. 

But I went with them to the canal where everyone was. We sat down on the ground and changed out of our shoes. It took ages to lace up. 

Then Caroline and Middy dragged me to the icy canal because I wasn’t used to walking on frozen grass on ice skates. And I do remember standing there in that frozen canal and freezing and thinking ‘I’m standing on a canal where fish swim and looking up at the grass….” 

while trying to find balance with the horizon on slippery ice the two girls flanked me across the canal. Me mostly leaning on Caroline because I didn’t trust these ice skates and shivering when 

BAM!!!!

I hit the ice face down!!!! 

Slam! No warning 

I felt the shove that threw me…. down

But I thought it was Sargent 

    instead I was looking up —up—up ….snd there stood way up there —it was a tall boy with bright red hair and bright red face. He stood there grinning at me this challenging smile. Who was he? And why did he throw me down? 

The hair, the skin and the accent would tell me he was from England as he said,

“that’s the only way you’re going to learn—on your own,” and he stood there and crossed his arms over his chest. Right before he took off like an Olympic skater showing off to me

followed by all the boys in my class. And that was the moment. After that, Steve never left me in peace—he was forever hassling me, pulling my hair, stealing my hat, playing pranks, chasing me across the school yard

 but I only pretended not to like it. Unlike Sargent