Berkley ….

When I first arrived in the Adirondaks this second time, I arrived with four infections from having been living in the backwaters of Maryland; a hunting lodge seeped in poisonous wildlife.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the world lately, and more than about myself; concerns of what or how an individual fits in our current times 

only I realize now, 

        I have had a Break 

    it hadn’t fully occurred to me until now. I was always a workaholic; I worked two jobs and overnight shifts, major holidays and —I never took a single vacation until 2017. Bounce bounce bounce. And all on my own shoulders, no one to lean on or just couch surf on.

Am I proud of my independence? Yes. Because I proved I am and always was

But this idle thing? —it’s not what I’ve ever been and as I found myself here in this spot of not finding what I should be able or required to do ….those Mother’s day’s I worked, the Thanksgiving holidays, Christmas Day at CVS how many years? And New Year’s Eve and early morning next New Year’s Day; Friday, Saturday nights and Sunday mornings—and walking in ice in the dark both ways for how many years ….yeah, I deserve this moment to fucking heal from what they all did and dust off as —so much has healed by just stopping …. 

as I find with new rest (after living on 3 hours sleep for two years and the slave of a FBI monster) comes another faith —I realize now I am better able as I am preparing for 

         something else

 

He said, holding me captive,

 “I am your purpose, never forget that.”

Fran

also, something else I never mentioned here before. The lady who predicted all that stuff; I knew her back in Huntington New York. We met twice but she was intense. As I’d mentioned about my —she called it the Sight; and she said I knew more than she did. And she was old. But she said she knew I was an ancient and she said, “you’ll outlive all your lovers, your life line goes on and on, a centurion—and more, as it seems when most are slowing down you are only just getting started.”

She was fascinating. Her home was like a museum and library of metaphysical study; her husband an astronomer. He mapped out her chart readings to the exact. They were intense. They lived off Arista drive I remember. Dix Hills

Elan’s life before

When I think of Elan and how most of the images are how it ended, of the capture by the pirate Viking and yet— what of the rest?— the Druid and a mother who were traveling …from ? Only, the Druid was not Elan’s father and was from further away; the people in the village were suspicious of him but he was the healer who sold what they needed. 

the way Elan’s memories ended with the trauma of her death —also dominated the images 

When there is much trauma in anyone’s life, those experiences take over

but I know more of what happened before, I just never felt like it was as interesting to write about as it was rather ordinary. 

There was a small village. Very small. Everyone knew each other. The buildings were very crude. There was a boy on the other side of the villege; he wore a cap and his face was usually dirty from his work. He wore dark trousers and a light colored shirt. He was shy. But so was Elan. 

They would meet out in the field in secret but the Druid found out

The Druid traveled often for his supplies. So he was often away. This made life usually endurable. But it was when he discovered this secret that everything changed in Elan’s life

When the Druid took her, along with Elan’s mother, away, they never saw each other again 

Who was he? Where was this villege? 

 

Table manners with Bran part 1

We sit at the table. I let him decide for me what to order and then he looks at me and stares. It makes me self-conscious so I look away and notice the decor and design of the restaurant. It is a kind of modern bistro with dark midnight blue/black interiors; with candles and bud vases on the intimately placed small round tables and dark linen table clothes. 

“I wanted to take you out, your first night here— I thought before we think about all the details ….” he was saying 

I turn my eyes back to him now 

“Yes,” I say and smile “because I know we will get into it as it’s what we do, isn’t it —but I like seeing what is here—I love the atmosphere,” I was saying 

“Good— because I was thinking maybe we can continue with your history research ….. and choose a different city to explore every weekend….we can drive it and ….” he stops himself and smiles at me, “how do you still look so young—?—you nonsmoking vegan,” he laughs at me, “who still has boys asking her out—it makes me want to ask you this ….” he leans over and says it in my ear