It must have been not long before we left for the Netherlands, still living in Florida.
I was always sent to the nurse’s office at school back there. I had headaches often that caused me to vomit inconveniently during class and if it was bad enough they sent me home.
My mother was unusual in her parenting. She was unusual in her guidance. But with her there were ulterior motives for her sometimes not so kosher actions
She did not bring me home that day to send me to bed. I think it was because her husband was home and she didn’t want him to know I was missing school as he looked for any excuse to whip me to unconsciousness.
There was a matinee theatre that played old movies I remember. I remember this well. So instead of going home and put in bed for vomiting at school, it was safer to bring me to a matinee
And that was the event for which I found the trigger for my first object of sexual wanting.
That day they were playing “the Way We Were” —the old movie with Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford.
It was a story about a smart but drab and headstrong woman who is very political and a handsome but a more conservative man who is from a better background than her, but they meet at university. Somehow by surprise I think when she is protesting somewhere years later they meet again by accident and they fall in love. But their political views or her extreme actions come between them and it is very deeply sad.
It is this scene
for days and weeks after I saw it I kept thinking of it. And this scene manifested in my mind. It became some definition of a fresh new idea of …. some inexplicable emotion I was having.
The scene is —and it’s been years since I saw this movie — I’ve not seen it since but I remember this scene so well because it was the gateway to what became the trigger to my erotica.
In this scene—fairly early in the story— they are still young and at school; he sees her on campus and i think she was organizing a protest when he stops her; i think it was even g in the scene.
But it was this thing he did …. and it has stayed with me forever because it seemed to have embedded upon me some inexplicable trait which has the power to turn my knees to putty….
He ties her shoe. But it is how it happens, how he looks at her and that subtle message the move instills; even as he does bend down to the ground to do this and —that alone…. so absolutely subtle but it was the seal that marked my craving for life
for who normally does such an act for another and who was it we were not going home for?
classic transference
This scene replayed in my imagination for weeks and was the basis for which initiated the awakening of my sexuality
