scene steal

 but then I stop to look into his face. That face I know….I stare …..and run my fingers over his cheekbones …. and oh I think as I stare into such lovely vampire eyes….

this face of his….I know every line and crease ….as if I put it all there myself ….

and want to say—I need you back, that you I knew, but—maybe I don’t say that….i feel the weight of life instead and walk to the door,

“let’s not keep them waiting.”

“Duva—they are trying to arrange our marriage,” he says with an arched brow

I sigh,

“it’s just an arrangement.and…. guess what?—it offers me protection. I don’t care about the sex.”

Scene/e.d. noir

I walk and pace, then stay by the window as I think of what he said…. the deceptions were not intended for me ….but I receive the fall-out don’t I —with no bother of explanation nor —mention of any importance. for everything

I say to him,

“it seemed you actually were the first person who bothered to see me,” and the sad realization renews. That sense of ….but I shut out the thought. Instead I say,

“why did you stop looking?”

 

Jörn’s side

 

“Duva—don’t say that,” he says now to me as he stands up slowly as if with the weight of the world on his shoulders

“What?” I ask

“I have not lied to you,” he says somberly 

I consider his ….demeanor 

and for a moment I am rather taken aback by something I had not seen before,

“Jörn —to omit a truth ….or a white lie ….but I won’t play judge—but, you see…. I am only —reacting from what has happened and —what maybe is truth?—ok, I know that I don’t know everything ….the whys and the wherefore’s …..but—I think you know what I mean. Don’t pretend.”

He sighs heavily,

“can I ask you then to—wait before you draw all your conclusions ….what ever you might call what you call lies —were never placed in efforts to particularly deceive you; that was not ever the objective.”

musings/(jmmusechronCont)&e.d

 

I turn to look at him from the window with my arms folded,

“I think it is that I embody your emotion. You put me in a box with your emotions. You step away. You then pretend not to feel or care and you behave as badly as you please. 

the worst thing anyone can do though, I am afraid to say, but it is to make me believe I am taken for granted because there I cannot exist nor breathe so, I am resilient; and have self-respect and therefore I am quite tough….” on the outside to protect what nobody has come near and that is why there is the boomerang effect with the barbed wire and chains….because they believed they got so close to finding that very thing  …. which ….I’ve never ever given away to anyone 

in this lifetime

“but, if you cannot be truthful to me, the last thing in my life that I’d need is a liar and I can see right through you. How could you do that to me—I’m ….disappointed—I guess I ….must revise….”

 

I think I shall have to grow bored of you so that I don’t have to ….feel this kind of pain with you ….I don’t think you value my sincerity and ….” I push him with a jab so he falls onto the bed and I walk to the window to look out before I say, 

“and— I think for me, ethically, that has to be a problem, because you have decided to only see me as one of many other ‘things’ and —by doing that —tarnished my ….”

but I stop because I run myself into split and splinters of which side to see it from

“because if I am bored, then I won’t care—like you don’t.”

 

“No wait— “ I say, stopping Elsa and Josef and even Andreas as I ask them to let me speak to Jörn alone 

….because it has all suddenly caught up with me and ….

I even pull Jörn back to his bedroom to speak my mind