I go to the emails and find the one from Carmen and open it, it says
To Cabaret administrator;
I require a refund for the two items you will see pictured in the attachments
So I open each attachment ….but instead of items from the online shop the two photos are ….
rather odd…. one is a photo of two odd broken branches; one shaped like a V the other a Y
the other photo is …. of …. a hunter’s hide ….
suddenly it hits me; I have seen both these things …. because they are on Sunny’s property ….
thoughts…. & /of the dictionary
in all the relationships/lovers I’ve ever had, never was there one who ever read anything I wrote. Never asked to, never took the initiative to bother. the same is true for my visual art, they but took a casual glance at it and never commented during the course of our intimacy
one even walked right across one of my paintings and left a footprint
Is that why I do this ?
I guess there is a contradiction of how I am perceived outwardly. My physical looks don’t match who I am (do I look like a slut?) and must be the reason I have always attracted the worst partners. I really do not see how others see me; I get confused whenever situations come about from the result of this (so it is no surprise I don’t post pictures of myself here and try to limit it in other places)
Some people have been asking me what is happening with my ‘project’ side of “Electra’s dictionary”
Electra’s dictionary ….. it’s been a part of me for as long as I have been self-aware. And, it seems that whatever I do in my life, it evolves into but it is also my clipboard of consciousness and —I guess, will continue to until the end
To be and to morph, and bend to life around the nucleus that I exist in….but
Electra’s dictionary ….does it belong in that real world out there?
I don’t want be commercial
so —what could it be?
There’s a line in the movie Tootsie when Bill Murray’s character says “I wish I had a theatre that was only open when it rained,”
and …. I guess it’s like that
what kind of people venture out on rainy evenings? Possibly the kinds who wish to avoid crowds….
Those other types ….well …. they would never grasp the Dictionary
So, in trying to envision how to reach that rainy day audience —as they must exist but maybe just are scattered all over the planet in secret corners of the world, as, I believe there are a lot of introverts out there with similar leanings
Lately when I have been thinking about this in consideration in making it as film, it would work best if it could be done very modestly. Almost like it is Electra’s iPhone filming it as an extension in her diary and just let the story tell it.
Visually and audibly, as my diary depicts and blends the real with the haze of illusion…. move from verse to scenes fluidly like the blog; like a vlog …. it has become my favorite as an idea, so—in this way it would not need big budget special effects methods, as I couldn’t compete with this anyway but I really don’t think my style of storytelling actually needs it—and I have begun to believe it’s more a distraction to do the Dictionary in that way.
…. a bit gritty at first as it opens …. visually like stepping inside a diary and a consciousness
Electra—
I have heard nothing directly from him in so long, I start to lose faith …. and more odd messages come… but from whom? ….I don’t know what to think or what to believe; his silence I don’t understand anymore…. they …. leave me to question —is it Jörn? —or some copycat who has figured out our secret codes and ….so now I find I wonder how to proceed
One message I find through our Cabaret website —from someone named “Carmen” but I don’t bother to open it right right away as it does not register immediately and—it is not until moments later when I go for a hike on Sunny’s grounds that I get a strange sense deep within …..and when I get a jolt suddenly —it occurs to me to think of that email; so find I rush to return suddenly when I get a sense something is quite wrong
and ….decide to look at the email from Carmen

…. life is so terrifying
you enter this world and it all starts
the canons in all directions
and it never stops
nobody says aloud —are you scared?
I am
all the time ….it is always war everywhere, even the kind in little worlds; we are all so fragile
why is love so intangible?
….peace, little dove, Electra
