A marker for a page; dawn’s highway

and so….it was no accident the subtle hints and mentions of stalkers recently here —they’ve been a pattern in my life. both genders. and always terrifying when it’s happening. I have not been ok, and, you know, I don’t know if I ever will be …. able to let anyone near me again …..a person who stages and traps a person …. what I wrote here back in late spring and early summer —well, it was a cover in case he read my blog

and so I guess this one has been obsessed with me since high school and woe to me the lengths someone would go to try and force their will ….and all that last month and the GFM was about what was going on—but what saved me in the end? A chance meeting with a retired FBI agent who stopped in his car one day to talk to me when I was walking the highway ….I guess he sensed something was up— and now I’m working for him

my actual life is more strange than my stories. and always, it has been this way ….

It seems I have always longed for him, but I never could place where .... so what is the purpose we should meet now.... what purpose do we serve in each other’s lives.... something he needs from me? Something I need? Something that goes beyond life and time?

….the girl and the smeden 

 

all my wires are fried on my emotional circuit board. I feel nothing and too much at the same time. it is like riding horseback without holding the reins and trusting fate

I don’t know who I am right now but it will be all right whomever we become…. 

and stranger, I hope that you are ….really there; to note

Part 1 “Tequila; A Page a Day(prequel)”/Another Story

They leave the coffee place and as they walk, unconsciously they fall into pace with each other even though they are, to note strangers, but they are not really, are they? Only no, they don’t think about this either, while they walk past airport shops, for there is no time for such fleeting thoughts as ….well her flight is eminently approaching 

“So have you ever?” he asks her as they walk quickly past other masked travelers 

“Have I ever what?” 

“Been somebody’s unicorn….?”

“Well, I’ve had —you know….stalkers —who —“

“Stalkers?”

“Yeah— who thought I was their unicorn, yeah….” she shudders

“Christ—no, actually I meant it the other way—“

“Huh….?” she glances up at him as he says,

“the extra party—trois….”

and again the spots of bright color appear on her alabaster complexion. But she turns suddenly as though something has caught her eye in a shop window 

“Oh, I love these!” she says going into the shop which is filled with bohemian objects; she goes past batik print tapestries, takes a moment to inspect the designs and touch the fabric, but then swiftly moves on to stare at a wall of macramés hangings, captured by the deep emerald color of one but then is mesmerized by the red clay pots as tall as she. 

But it is this which got Beth’s attention —she goes over to a display of bracelets; bangles, cuffs, leathers and the kind with little glass beads and she tries them on but they don’t look right on her; they are all too big for her wrist and fall right off; she puts them back with a sad sigh 

He says,

“so have you?”

“Have I…?” but she suddenly remembers the question she dodged, “so what was that about tequila?” she happens to notice they pass one of many airport bars just now, “oh that place looks interesting, since you are stuck here anyway, let’s see if they have tequila—“ only now she realizes the time,

“but ohhh…. look, it’s getting closer to my boarding time….”

“You still have one hour,” he tells her, “unless yours gets delayed too.”

“Oh you wish!”

“What do I wish?” he asks her and it is something in how he says this 

Beth swiftly turns around to look at him and shocking her, his expression is intensely serious 

“No I meant….” she says, but forgets what she means to say; there is a weird stab that is actually physical, as she looks up at him, when caught inside his eyes, that makes her stumble, but he catches her 

He says

“Let’s see if they have tequila ….”

They go inside

It is deceptively small inside, once past the entrance; it seems all the customers prefer the bar where there is a slight crowd. But past the length of this, in search of a seat there, a waiter in black uniform suggests they sit in the dining area. 

He directs them there. 

There are only four little tables arranged privately like little booths. The waiter lets them choose which one

And once seated he asks,

“so what can I get for you?” 

“We were wondering if you have tequila,” Stefan says

“We have a selection. Do you have one you prefer?”

In the end Stefan says,

“we’ll just do shots of each.”

 

Another story/“do I want you for a ménage á trois?”

 

Beth burns her lip on the coffee as she sits there waiting for Stefan to return 

“Fuck!” she puts the coffee cup down and from her Nepal bag, she takes out her compact. She inspects her lip for signs of damage then jumps when she hears him calling to her as he walks back

“So…. it looks like my flight is delayed….the person said he would call to let me know….” as he sits down, he shrugs, “has the coffee gone cold?”

“No, it just scalded off my upper lip, so, be warned,” Beth half laughs 

“Let me see,” he says

“No, that’s ok….”

For a moment he studies her and then laughs,

“do I want you for a ménage á trois?”

She looks up at him now and he can clearly see that her face, which was before a paler shade, has now gone a bright shade of red 

“—my unicorn?” he is laughing now, “I just looked that up on Urban Dictionary.”

“Oh….” she lets out a heavy sigh of relief and then in delayed reaction she laughs

Only now can she look him in the eye, which, up until this moment she could not,

“no, like—that evasive unicorn….”

Stefan watches her as she says this and shakes his head,

“what do you mean?”

“Like a mirage…. that thing you can never achieve so instead, you just keep it there on the illusionary shelf. Look at it. Dust it off. Put it back. But never open. Like those expensive books still in the wrapper —but ….maybe what is inside is totally this whole other entity entirely….so…. Unicorn.”

“‘Blood of a poet’, Cocteau?” he says with a straight face but his eyes, that seem different colors in different angles of light, now twinkle and give him away

If it were in messaging she would …. say…. 

So—

instead she does:

“Don’t mock me,” she tells him and it seems to break the ice between them

“Maybe we should be drinking tequila and not coffee because there was a third meaning in the urban dictionary,” he teases her, “so why Alaska?”

“Oh! Well—hey, I get to complete my research and the money is perfect,” she says this with a kind of casual tone of bravado not her own and shrugs, “it’s like solitary confinement at the work station. That’s what they jokingly call it. There’s no one for miles. Only the postal guy and that’s if you get mail —but ….I have kind of ….’had it’ with people. So….just animals and the wild from now on. So what are you doing in—where did you just come from?”

“Portugal. I was covering a story on an eco-system, agricultural developer—“ his phone interrupts, “oh, it’s the airline’s person—“ answers, “yes….oh, I see…. so, how long can this—or….ah….” 

Beth watches him, sensing something is wrong 

After he ends the call he sighs and looks at her but shrugs,

“the airlines crew all tested positive.”

“What? You mean…. so….?”

“They just told me they booked a hotel room for me somewhere, so—it looks like I’m stuck here.”

 le vampire comme guide à travers l'enfer 

Another story/ “I’m Not Your Unicorn”

 But it is when she hears a very loudly emphasized,

“ahem!” throat sound behind her that Beth swiftly turns round 

And as she turns, she slows in hesitation and then finds herself staring down at the floor, looking down at a pair of shiny gray boots —beneath nondescript gray trousers. 

“I am up here,” he says

Now she clears her throat, pretending a cough and fumbles with the cuff to stall for a moment of time, and mumbles, head still angled, looking at the floor,

“no, I just thought my shoe lace was untied.”

“Your boots don’t have laces, Beth….” 

she stands up slowly,

“Stefan, look —let’s just get this straight….I’m not your unicorn ok?”

“Beth….” she can see by the crinkles around his eyes that he smiles behind the mask and also seems to want to laugh but doesn’t 

She stands straight to look at him and they face each other. They remove their masks simultaneously 

He wears a gray trench coat over a gray turtleneck; his colors blend with his hair and eyes and she notices something too the photos had not shown 

He awkwardly acts as though they should hug but she seems unaware on how to go about that 

Then there is an awkward moment which between them in their private subjectivity, speaks volumes as time seems to slow and quicken in just this moment. Their eyes meet, but they are too astute in measuring the other to reveal anything of themselves

He sees those details not captured in photos stills nor would be in motion; the tension in which she holds herself, like one ready to bolt; aware of the subtlety of her scent that has a faint touch of lily of the valley…. the silent hesitation behind her every movement

“So….” she looks around at the airport surroundings, self consciously

“When is your flight?” Stefan asks

“Uhhh…” she reaches for her phone but he already sees it on the board 

“Look—it leaves at 13:46…. so, we ….have an hour and forty minutes….” Stefan points to the board, then, decisively says, “coffee,” spotting where to go points and as he looks at her, sees her expression reveal something 

as he looks at her before absently…. realizing something

then suddenly urges her towards it, lightly placing a hand on her arm 

It is only when they are sitting down that they let themselves look at each other face to face; that reality of the moment finally reaches Beth as she looks at him now as they sit there looking at each other over the table with their coffees. 

Then he says,

“why are you moving to Alaska?”

She looks away,

“you wouldn’t understand. And anyway —why should it even matter to you what I decide to do? Until now, we’ve never met and you know what? I just realized I don’t even know your last name. All those video lectures are under your website name; Stefan@—“

But before she finishes, at the very moment she says this, an announcement comes over the loud speaker:

<<ATTENTION! ATTENTION;WOULD STEFAN LOVE PLEASE REPORT TO YOUR AIRLINES CARRIER!!>>

Beth looks up at him as he begins to stand up, a concerned look now on his face as he reaches for his mask

“Love? That’s your last name? Like Courtney?”

“Well—“he glances around as he searches for where to go as he says, “— it was actually my middle name but—Beth….  can you …. please…? just wait right here, ok? uh—I’ll be right back….ok?”