diary; a year in reflection/the boomerang effect; some thoughts ….

lately, when I reflect back on this year, it seems to me it became the year in my life with the punctuation at the end of a very long Sentence. 

an exclamation point;! 

especially about people I have known from my past who have tripped back into my life 

but this time when I see them….

their masks fall off and their grotesque true facades show their fangs 

especially about chris…. these things it seems he has been saying about me, it is disappointing and it is childish. this is not the first time I have heard him say things, as it got back to me by other friends who thought I should know. 

it hurt too much to laugh. it only proved he has no honor and, well, I deserve better, so it just only proves he never saw me.

not everyone fits the mold of someone’s expectations so— and so what if I don’t need to care to? I don’t care —I realize now, it feels not worth my interest to believe it matters 

many years ago I met a psychic who told me things would happen in my life and this she did foretell; she said that the veils would drop away from all the people I have known and I would see them for who they truly are 

I did not understand then 

she said that after the experience I would emerge like from a chrysalis because I would be free of the lies and cleansed and it would fall away from me like soot and I would walk free 

it is only the pain of it all; the years of damage that can never be taken back; lost years with my daughter because of unnecessary poison born of spite ….I just really cannot let myself go there. 

I am a different person now from who ever I was when I’d play with her at the playground, she does not even remember so. what happens when you learn to shut off an emotion because you know it would destroy you? do I see truth? do I see my patterns? I do. and own them ….i think I wanted penance for crimes I never did. I kept getting caught up in people ….who reminded me of my mother ….and ended up doing what she did. tried to control me. and did. wound up being enslaved. alas oedipus —so, thus revealed 

virtuoso vertigo

 

it is as dictionary, or my word for it ….I think in images without words all day; I am a broken wagon wheel. and rip van Winkle. and so glad of the wind to disguise when, without warning, I start to cry and as I walk trying to stop the sudden gush of it, I desperately hope that nobody comes along and sees

where do memories go when you die?

    ….they must go somewhere 

 that rip van Winkle sense comes to me with its touch of mortality like ice on the pane 

fugue

 

As I start to hear the music Jörn composes, how it has begun to come to me in soprano like seagulls wailing and tenors of vocalized lines from Norse mythological sagas 

when suddenly I get an urge and I want to hurl myself off a bridge 

this place of the celf ….do I forfeit ….so it comes to my awareness and so…. you see, it has always been a part of me; this dictionary …. this fortress….

even as I know the answer I ask —so do I move forward?

  ….I get sick with fear and vertigo 

it is not for them to take apart 

so what am I doing —what am I doing? there will be no where to go if ….I share the dictionary; no where to go, no other place to run for cover, no where left within —and no one….no one, at all 

but what was it for, anyway? 

but

—whose terms? The double edged sword, 

only but no, nothing is worth my soul; it is not a product ….is a nom de plume enough, I wonder, and my identity, my face? give them electra?and for someone else ….perhaps it is too much

🥀 donc j'en ai raté un autre

 

Je suis sûr que tu étais brillant. & je penserai à toi demain à 13h30.  naturellement! comment supporter cette injustice ?  il ne doit pas en être ainsi ! 

c'est la muse, en héros, qui donnera une voix à la sirène

 celui avec les yeux de vampire ;  avec leur beauté féroce et sauvage

threadbare rope

 encore une fois, un timing parfait….  et apparaît toujours

….tack