Oregon Chronicles; Writing on the public bus on the way to work

    ......makes it easy for anonymous confession because..... I've been skirting some issues and missing keys.... and letters with fingers on bus rides that don't make sense.... code and typos & hidden

It is so much easier to say out of context .... but I don't know where to begin but my no gray matter shades are more psychedelic

So if this were a Quiten Tarantino movie we would rewind

Because there is this darker side to Nigel and me

I have only glossed over

I don't want to put what happens in a light of any filth

sexually .....and to ignore this

in my Electra confessions

This is my dictionary

& ....I am Electra

It happened there. Right there.

deranged so —I worry we are treading on some areas that --as an artist?

.....but isn't it what matters, then.... anyway

Dissecting the scientist; of the Oregon chronicles & meeting Nigel

"This is too soon for me, Nigel...." I tell him and feel myself shrinking before him.

"Is it really so deep?" His tone disarms me. Again. I try to pull back.

But his touch.... is like both father and mother.... to me. 

It is a strange notion and not one I understand at all but like the curious cat one has to know; maybe because I’ve never known it and....

There is such a strangeness

the odd way he looks at me, and how he calls me his ‘mon fē’ from his childhood realm;

Only some moments I find I feel I am like —what is it, exactly? like I am his lab animal that he studies....looking under some microscope?

and something else that is sort of twisted that, at present, I am too shy to write about ....and I start to fear that —
I don't know, this thought occurs to me—this apprehension.... that we are —like ....only sinking further kind of into each other's madness

or is this what all civilizations begin like?

He seems to see me—

unlike Chris—

who would look right at me and not notice me there. So how is it that Nigel knew I was an artist from just one glimpse at my hands.... that day at the Ashland library....?

That day he looked so.... proper Englishman in his neat oxford collar and wearing a fedora.... like some scientist from the 1940’s.... and did I write this already? He isn’t just a professor and a doctor of psychiatry, he’s also an archeologist—he was some kid prodigy and finished his first set of degrees by the time he was twenty..... but should I be flattered then that the way he looks at me actually makes me feel like ....some kind of artifact found in a bog—

isn’t that a strange thing to feel? He has the oddest stare....

To illustrate between the lines
.....my hat fetishes (which for me goes back to when I first started being aware of style and old Greta Garbo movies) After Garbo the Daisy hat from the Great Gatsby that Mia Farrow wore, and I would love that bowler from Unbearable Lightness of Being but, truth told, I am most partial to the newsboy

so about Nigel.... he likes to shop for clothes with me and go into the dressing rooms
—is that weird?


Our fetishes.... I think that is behind the kinky edge of our sexual attraction

I have glossed over this about him. About us. It confuses me. You see. Switching roles; role reversals and I suppose I am not ready to write about this

but he can make the simplest motion erotic in a strange coquettish way that ..... disturbs me

It is like a shattered mirror

meeting Nigel

today I return a book to the Ashland library-- it was such hot today, the heat made me dizzy

I met someone; his name is Nigel, he is working on some project; he researches.... what is it he said he does? he vaguely said something about anthropology .... then he stared at me.

So strangely, and it made me think: like the lighthouse, his eyes.

 as I turned to go

I don't know if it is because I could feel his eyes first, it is when I look up from the floor that I see him sitting at the desk and somehow I drop my phone and my glasses fall off at the same time, both landing in his lap! I notice his book is on druids but his bookmark has the image of Loki

and this is how we meet; losing my sight and all communication, I suppose this would have been the only way ....how else do two shy people meet

 after all?
He says to me,

"Hi, I'm Nigel,” it began


Then he says
“I would like to see you again.... would you mind-- may I call you?"

So....

he says he wants to meet again

I am always in hesitation over new acquaintances


But there was something about how he kept staring at me that made me curious

So..... we do, we meet in town for coffee. He has has such mystery about him and it seems he stares at me when we talk. He stares at me; what does that mean? watches me.... everything I do..... and when he calls me later....and says something so strange,

"I want to know everything that has happened to you.... I want to understand your mind."

I tell him I have to go and later I think about it and wonder.... what does he want?

he stays on my mind all day and later I go slip out to think; it is so stifling there at night where I'm staying in Talent, a very small --not even really much of a town with one grocery store and its own little library, a couple of shops that you never see anyone go inside and everything is closed by five

and by now the sun has already begun to set ....

it is by the clock by where are benches with vines that wrap around the entrance way to a kind of secret enclosure and there I go to think and be alone, escaped from the opprssion of the family whose house I rent a room from as there are no apartments anywhere around

it is when I am there awhile, I notice someone across the street ..... and see him there!....  as if he knew I'd be there

he crosses the street and walks over to me but stops a few feet away and looks at me and waits, then finally says,

"Say something," he seems to watch me like.... a kind of subject....I think

 I will write more ....on this..... I have to think ....I need to be alone

Faeryqueen

'I think you need to be honest with yourself-- he was destroying you.... everything you gave have he used up; your cars, your credit, your exhaustion.... you were being evicted for the third time.... he drank your rent and blew it on whatever manic idea crossed his mind.... sober is he? What's in there....? He never saw you.... you were a blurry drunken haze; a dream; he never saw you....'

I cry when he says this....

'It was your final martyr act ....and now your true work begins.... you have suffered all human pain now.... you have allowed yourself to experience what human form is.... so now be like a good Tolkien princess and perform your miracles....'

I am crying.... very funny.... he is so cruel. So very cruel....

I must reflect

I see Eliot has texted and I need the distraction

I have come to the conclusion that everyone is crazy

His text is that he is here! I am so happy..,.,! Wow, I was not expecting his presence at all and I feel myself become flushed and stupid

Why does he affect me this way. I look at him and a want to throw up. I mean, I get seasick. I get that weird feeling. What is that? An adrenaline rush.... each time I see him it is better than the last time.... I don't know.... I hate this feeling

I really do

So I have to stop because Bailey is in my head. He is looking at me with concern

'Oh there you go again!' He tilts his head to one side, 'Angel.... when will you ever learn? You've always had that weakness for the boys, but I cannot bare another broken heart of yours, it's just too painful to watch you....'

Already I am crying, and I hear him sigh as I turn to go; just bolt right out of there

This world is crazy or I am or both and isn't it all so fucked up anyway? I am only stretched like that bow; springloaded; about to be jettisoned through outer space

He said breath

Fae of Morgan

Fae of Morgan




When you speak of shape shifting, that is only just a shadow of what it is. That is to say, it is a kind of illusion that anyone is the shape they take because everyone really is everything and everything does contain everything.

SansinGauf was wizard stuff, to be sure; the kind all legends of his kind are based upon. Wise and yet still curious, thus containing that element of wonder always. This is the secret of youth; to stay in wonder.....

In the Forrest World time stands still. Rather, there is no time. You go in there and the rest of the world continues; you can watch it all through a telescope too and it looks like speeding on a highway. The images move fast past the windows. That is how time looks from the other side.

Within the Forrest World SansinGauf was exactly as he always was; is; slight of body, like an agile and lean skinned athlete and very tall of frame with notably long arms and fingers; his legs were quite long as well; like his toes and feet which gave him great balance walking ledges and hills; so he had some quality of one of those daddy long legs spiders, wearing a long cape (that took on colors like gray or sage or deep marine blue) and a long, wilted knitted felt top hat dyed of woad and mended numerously with silver gilt thread that fell to his right shoulder from years of knocking into his sheep staff (his sheep were used only for their wool and they never left his side unless by his command).

So watching the Empress Mage Maevis Fae fall like a broken sparrow.... well, it was his moment to become one with this myth, for he had watched her story unfold before him.... on that other side of his glass.... she had been like his mythic legend; untouchable yet almost real; all these years, you see.....

To be sure, it is necessary to mention, many stories have been based upon SansinGauf, in fact, in your world, too; many legends and many fables.... he is wise and powerful; he is old and young; he is generous of heart but always keeps his head about his shoulders.....

She was a little fallen angel falling from the sky

and so, like a magnetic chord to his very center he was pulled to that little faery; to save the belle with the misty gossamer wings,  invisible to the human eye.....her fall rang with her cry that sounded like little bells tinkering down a well. Tinkering bells.....

She looked like a redwood tiger lily

That was her color. If you took alizarin crimson and mixed in a bit of gold.... she was a wood faery. Heir apparent .....faeryqueen; but she had been raised among peasants to protect her identity. A bit wild, to be sure and possibly feral as well; how could he not love her?

And so it took him days to locate her because of the ruckless that grew everywhere; and yet he knew this Forrest very well, even the borderline parts because he traveled quite often beyond it. This journey took him many days and he journeyed alone, without his sheep as the thick brambles would have easily caught their wool. He came prepared too, knowing about the poison of the lapis swans. By now the Hadessins would have given her up for dead not expecting that SansinGauf was watching out for her; long prepared and aware of the forecast. He had prepared the potion and knew what had to be done to preserve her life and revive her from the haunted sleep that slowly consumed her breath.

When he finally found her night had long fallen but it was a full moon. She had actually fallen between the shield of the wall and her invisible right wing was badly caught. This was unfortunate ....his heart broke for her when he realized, rushing to her side; this had not showed on the glass and he realized this would take more time.

When he touched her face it had gone that shade of pale violet. He had only just made it in time. She was down to her last breath. He moved to her side quickly but with light and careful moves and knelt to her, placing his mouth gently over her deathly pale delicate lips; he breathed. He breathed for her. One very long breath first. He exhaled into her, speaking the words. He watched the purple smoke choke out of her. Then lay down beside her. He could not free her wing until she could breath on her own and the violet cast to her skin was gone.

He had to tilt her face to him as he lay carefully beside her, keeping the caught wing slack so as to not cause it further damage. She was still in pain, the caught wing....he could feel it.... the poison of the Forrest shield had been slowly killing her despite her magick; he reached inside the deep pocket of his cape and felt for the silver box. He placed the flower petal against her right wrist where the pulse beat and held it there with his thumb. He cast ....saying incantation, tapped her with the blue jeweled tip of the fine handle of his blade where a blue energy of light took to glow and come alight.

And so he lay thus: one arm cradling her head and shoulder and the other hand holding the soft petal to her wrist, breathing into her. It was slow going as she was so cold. Her veins would not allow the flow of the potion until she reached a warmer body temperature, he knew, which is why he erected the shield of camouflage; throwing his cape about once peeling away all that lay between their flesh. Bare skin to skin they lay beneath his cape; he breathing into her mouth and holding her tiny wrist; he then closed his eyes and fell asleep holding her to him as if he were her fortress.

SansinGauf was always caring of small animals, of course he loved his sheep and all manner of living creatures.... his great love had been his step sister whom he could never have and all his life his passions were shared with deep affection, but no one had ever captured his heart since his first love.

Watching Fae fall from the sky, as Fae is her name, plain Fae....

the years of study and preparation for when the time would come to ....entwine their fates and purpose as it had been long foretold, long expected to prevent what was to be the evil threat on the horizon


seeing the Empress before him at last, SansinGauf was nearly in awe and all his years of healing kicked in

only stopped to realize for a second--

.....he needed to heal, not just the flesh, but the fragmented soul inside as well.... he felt it as he lay beside her..... felt her soul and all of her pain for within there he felt the poisonous wounds of this incarnation .... the kind to damage deep, which she hid so deeply that it haunted her waking mind. She had spent a life beaten and in chains until she had been found by the faery kingdom and reclaimed; too late.

This had been known

But only now did he understand what this had done to her

knowing only the greatest force could possibly heal this

but where would the chances be to save humanity if she herself was not healed? SansinGauf lay there beside her thinking, watching the full moon watch him; watch them.... it was by morning when he stirred and saw that her invisible wing had been freed..... by the power and light of the moon and the morning light; morganlicht;

"Fae of the morning light ...." he whispered aloud, giving her his pet name, whilst still half asleep. He was over five hundred lifetimes older than the Fae of morganlicht .....

.....and SansinGauf had been called upon for this, task..... and well, she needed a healer, after all; he had saved her life which made him feel responsible for her, so in conflict of emotion he felt ....love for her

like a father but also,

like a lovesick poet.

By the light of the moon he had been too exhausted to find resolution with this thought and fell asleep under the full moon on the eve of the last day of April, as depicted by the human calendar and then awoke breathing out the morning dew of Fae

the legend creates a Fable

When I meet with the wizard he tells me I must write a fable

I say why?

He tells me I am indebted to use my gift to deliver a message

To whom?

But he only says in a vague shrug,
“Humanity.”


The Legend Creats a Fable...... this is The Fable he has asked me to write for humanity:



What she knew falling down upon the soft mossy earth was total exhaustion; for the Faery Empress had traveled many leagues and fought dangers that jeopardized her mission and her very survival.

It had been long known of her coming to this part of the deep forest world and her arrival had been expected and hoped for these many generations as fables and legends had been passed down and embellished upon of her purpose and the change her influence would create by her arrival.

Only SansinGauf knew of the grave dangers that would challenge the possible coming of the Savior; the Empress Faery. He had watched her progress and journey from his glass; the one he had made of Dortil sands; ground by ritual by the full moon for six cycles. He alone knew how to make such a glass and how to ask of it the wisdom it was known to portend.

SansinGauf had watched her fall six nights hence from that very glass, she had been chased into the Forrest by the lapis swans who were the deadliest sending creatures the Hadesissians had and were mostly reserved for extreme  situations as their venom, once administered, emitted such a strong poison that it drained the great Hadesiss of a week's supply of his kingdom's emnil grain; the grain his peasants lived on who worked the fields.

Once she had reached the Forrest World, however, the lapis swans could not follow and this territory was beyond Hadesiss' commanding empire; not that it was with respect that the swans turned to head back to their master with their news; the invisible wall at the entrance of the Forrest World would kill any without invitation, instantly, by agonizing death if the ageant's sting (a deadly bee-like creature that lived only in the Forrest).

It took six days for SansinGauf to find her, using his small, pocket-sized glass. It was tedious going all the way to find her, however, as the exterior parts of the Forrest were more overgrown with ruckless weed than anywhere else (ruckless weed; was known for its camouflage charm to confuse invaders who might have managed to pass the invisible wall).

He watched her fall. In the glass. She fell like a broken sparrow.

He had watched her from the glass.... longer than he could remember. Only, it was only one human life time ago he first saw her. How many hundred had he seen through? To walk this earth and go unnoticed and drift in between worlds; toiling here, toiling there.... admittedly, he had spent several human lifetimes being rather lazy. Quite lazy, in fact. Enjoying the nice plant that the valley friends provided. His valley friends; he liked to spend holiday with them. They were somewhat known in the human world, roughly speaking. Amongst that world, they shaved their feet to fit in, but they did not really fit in. And only the ones that wanted to ever left this world for that one. They did not tend to stay away, however. Why would they?

So, as it was, SansinGauf, knew how to relax, but he enjoyed his work more and being the most admired Sansin yielded a great deal of reward so as to make his work quite enjoyable. As far as wealth, he would likely be the most wealthy in the world, but he owned nothing. He was obliged what ever he desired if he asked. But SansinGauf was a wizard of principle and since he never accepted payment to treat the Forrest World's ailments, if there were things he required for a need for which he could not provide himself, he would gladly accept an obliging gnome's provisions; whatever that might be. This is, no doubt, how he came by their weed.