but I can’t laugh about it. instead i choose to not feel

 

Kerouac tequilla

I was recently asked to give favors for money; make favors for pay. It was so weird. I was standing on line waiting to pay. Then the question. 

You think maybe he’s on his phone. He’s not talking to me. 

There was another person next and the last person walked away. I moved up. Well, the guy moved behind me. He stood closer than he should. I stepped up. I looked at something as if for excuse not to be near him. Then a shove and he said it again in my ear 

After my past I’m not shocked anymore so I pretended not to hear. I went up and paid and then hurried out. So it was walking home that I got that feeling, you know? But anyway, I just kept on going 

I got to the corner I looked behind me and noticed there was cop car behind me

 

bran

 within the darkness of brooding thoughts he calls 

“All these years you have felt so alone, and it kills me you believe that  —all your mystery blog hits Beth—were me, I think about you all the time…”

He says,

“I’ve not forgotten. I’ve been watching the calendar. I think it’ll be all right. Just call if you need me.”

that he remembers —is more than anyone else ever did 

the hours of silence here is madness so I call out of desperation for just a warm familiar voice that once ….provided comfort 

details for the pages

writing out the stray ends —I stumble back as I must like those cryptic epitaphs; i have replayed this one scene on the terrace around the time of the family suicide just several years ago. but it was so strange ….among my quiet disturbed thoughts later in; my love letter here we transcribe it; it was pivotal and poignant —caught frozen like the deer in the headlights as my brother in law spoke standing between us…. What was it about? it was something about what she said about our family’s past but it wasn’t ….correct; it was skewed terribly ….and it got to the quick of me.immobilized —I could not very well deny the sky is blue as agree to this skew ….as a guest there ….a shackled member; do you call it phobic if it is currently happening? danger. 

But he said something that …. I keep replaying ….did I misunderstand? He said to her standing between us, “you know it is different when you are the parent’s favorite ….”

Quinton Tarantino ….freeze that frame 

       First response —me: “yes!”

Then …..

Both …. first her …. Then him

    look at me weird ….?

do I find reality subjective by whatever the court and what pretty rose colored lenses may I borrow from you 

    I think ….obtuse me …. as usual ….i got that one wrong but I don’t still get it

    for behalf of the celves and our love letter to Ai we leave behind 

 

my conscience requires I unburden my soul 

might as well; here goes—why do I call it the bait and switch move—because it is what happened. Not until everything was already in motion, no—I mean on the porch that very day …. it was only meant I was to be there as a friend. knowing me the way you do, do you think I’d ever admit what happened out loud?

I was not even remotely vaguely attracted to him but it was insanely too late