Friday, September 30, 2016
a terrible thing about myself
i am still trying to reconcile myself to this thing i have discovered about myself.... it is something i am not at all proud of.... and i have to think about what I intend to do about fixing this about me.
You see, now it becomes clear to me what has been at the center of all my disasters. i really believe it all stems from this very source.
And it has been a blind spot. My blind spot. How terrible. I never noticed this about me, I really never did. I swear. I have been a complete ignorant over this.
It is an emotional problem. An extreme emotion. Lately, with the stress of the surgeries and the stress of dealing with a million different specialists for all the body parts involved here from one incident.... no less.... I think I have a lot of suppressed anger on this.
Only no, not just this, it is more than this, I start to see and I am not really sure why it is that I ever began to suppress anger, but I think it might have been a behavior forced upon me that I just have never .... re-visited.
This is the danger of ignoring emotions; of not examining ....conflicts. But the problem specifically here is, that when I become so frazzled and shook up something extreme happens to me. I don't know if it's adrenalin or something else but something seems to take over me; takes control and command. Even whatever I am saying seems to be under some manic level of hysteria and there is no control of me at all. I don't know how it ever got to be this bad.
Only.... I have a feeling that now that I noticed this
Because it was out of my awareness. That is the flip side of this, I have amnesia over whatever I just said. And no wonder, whatever I have just said is high voltage hurtful. Obviously, a defense. A below the belt defense that is very bad and I have been blind. I know this now because this time i felt myself detach for a minute and desperate my emotions from the moment. It was possible to do because it was by text. I was able to put my phone down and walk away. Calm down. And then i looked at what i was writing and thank God stopped myself from continuing.
When i did this i started asking myself questions about this. Why? Why was i doing this?
Only, all i had to really do was walk away and separate my emotions from the moment. I felt threatened and I felt like something devastating was about to happen. A surprise hurt that I wouldn't be prepared for. So to lash out blindly has been the method of opted all my life even as it does not work. Every time it only brings things to the next level of worse. And every time I end up the ass hole for it. And then I forget what I said because I was hysterically unaware of what I was saying. The only thing I can site to explain for me to understand where this came from is from my mother. This was something I developed from infancy and i did it when .... actually she did it. She would be the one saying these terrible things..... and then I would become so hysterical that I would lose control and it put me into a trance that time; the worst time. There is the fear of that. I feel myself afraid as that loss begins in me, that I am losing ground, losing sensibilities. That feeling that I am about to lose everything I have left.... like my daughter....
It was while this was happening with 'Hugo' last night. As time goes by now, we have been talking more and more, communicating.... a lot more.... maybe better too. Better this way. Because we are forced to depend on different forms of communication and .... his tendency to interrupt .... is overdid with texts where I can clearly finish my thought, clearly state my thought, see what I typed and have it to refer to later....
I start to think that this is actually helping explain to each other a lot of things that have been so often misunderstood about each other. He has constantly misinterpreted even the simplest things to believe I meant the more negative possibilities. But we are physically far away, so he cannot stop me from leaving the room, he cannot grab me by my shoulders and keep me in the room with him, or stand in front of the doorway, or follow me from room to room to badger me. I can put him on 'ignore' and do something else. If he gets pissed at me, I don't have to worry he is going to get physical. And here we stop at that word, don't we? Physical how? The line drawn to some over what is abuse-- he is not intentionally abusive, he is frustrated and loses control. In a way just like me. Perhaps we have fed into each other each other's emotional triggers.
Recently in conversation he has told me that we are alike and very much so in some areas. The ones that make us most able to relate, actually. It's not just the intelligence level, the artistic level, or the need to hold onto a personal sense of individuality.... it is this other thing and I don't think I was aware this existed till he brought it up the other day. It is a kind of vague almost dreamy quality, but it is steered by the deepest emotions; a private vulnerability that instinctively we communicate in without the need to refer directly to this but we are both aware this is generally understood in the context of what we are expressing at the time. I guess it is a kind of intuitive understanding we have always naturally defaulted to from day one. That he is the most intelligent person to me is one thing, but the moments when he actually gets me is.... this feeling of completeness. But then, when he suddenly utterly misunderstands me after.... makes me nuts. More nuts than had it been anyone else. Because, wtf, if he is capable of getting it there why not there too?
Why are people so complicated? Of course it is forgivable once the storm clouds pass.
Watch for the signs of:
"The silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload...."
"gonna shoot the whole day down....."
I think looking back at this year that is passed, and the one before leading up to now.... being alone has allowed me to grow. It is the silence. For so long there was no time for inner dialogue. I went from running around for my kid to .... well, the next. And isolated because of finances, it is so different when you don't have a break from things. No baby sitters for my daughter, no family to step in so give me a nap, to offer a hand, to make dinner, to run an errand,to just give me five minutes to think and then crisis, crisis, crisis. I have had just quiet now, calm, yes there is pain, physical pain and it is the worst it has ever been, but at least there is no one to see me like this. I do not have to mask it. I can cry. I can moan. And if I have to be sick, there is no drama, I just vomit miserably and go back to my pain without out this sense that i am being looked at with disturbed concern. Which only makes me tense.
I do get lonely with this pain. And with my hands that are disabled, it makes me sad and frustrated, but ....I don't have the extra work of cleaning up after others too. Sometimes I long for comfort.... the kind of comfort that was never Hugo's inclination, nor his ability. I wish it was. I do. I wish he could. Like the way....
I wonder over this sometimes, like why is this? This need for a kind of affection ....I know this is why I was pulled under illusions.... KM what it was. Drawn into like an oasis; illusion of safety. The calm, the warmth, the stableness.... that was only illusion. There is no safety in the world and I think I needed the cold slap of that shock of safety being deadly. Sometimes i still wish; infantile wish; warmth of arms that hold to contain .... not force demands
-- to contain? Just to keep the parts from falling out until the madness subsides.... but it could just be that is only ever given for some ulterior need by the giver and I just would not have known the difference because it was so new to me.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
It has been over a year and I have not been with anyone and I think every time when I consider what I want to do with my free time, maybe be social or meet someone but no.... I don't want hands leaving clammy trails on me, the idea repulses me.
It has not been worth the trouble to be honest. I could care less. I think this strangely makes me more appealing to people--they see someone who is completely bored with the chasing game and fantasies of romance who is preoccupied.
What am I preoccupied with? Survival. To just make it to next month without being any thinner. My clothes no longer fit me and I can't afford to buy any that do. So I see a world most people don't. People talk about food constantly. I try not to think about food, but then they tell me about a meal, share a picture. I go on Facebook and you see more friends with piles of food everywhere. My stomach growls and I get nauseated because it's been too long since I ate and water begins to make me sick on an empty stomach. Even the apps on my phone have food advertisements, close ups too.
The world I see is very different, yes. I don't even feel. I guess it's better not to. I'm not miserable actually, I feel like my body knows what to do with the nutrients I do give it and I think animals were built to survive on reserves if you choose well when the opportunity comes. I know that I am a survivor because I learned that young; the instinct.
It is 'Hugo' I find myself thinking about lately because.... enough time has passed.... it was one day ....something inside me shifted.... and I felt such a terrible sadness.... it was for him. I had the most heart breaking image in my mind of him-- it was so awful... and I can't write about it. It was too awful.
I felt so sad. For him. For him. And it killed me. The kind that you cannot turn off. You see, I have been so angry at him. All this time. That anger over why he just gave up. How he just let it all fall apart and then blamed me. I fucked up the money he would say. And I know that everyone must believe him.... especially believe him that I was this Jezebel whore.
But it doesn't matter, not that because those people mean nothing to me. His thug family; one of my therapists called them that. Well, it fits, and all those people there.... that thug town. But 'Hugo' was never like them, that is why they never understood him and never will. I knew after a year both sides would see the other without the nostalgia of the other.
I don't know what I've been doing all this time since I left.
I don't regret leaving. I know that the only way he was ever going to get out of that rut he dug himself into was if he faced his past with his family and childhood neighbourhood. Because he romanticised all of it and they did about him too. But they were awful to him growing up. And awful to him since I've known him. His pain stems from here.
The only way he will be able to be happy with himself or in a relationship is if he looks at the ways they hindered his paths. Once they are both aware why he is so deplete of hope and prosperity and look in the mirror.... well, I don't actually look as bad as they do by comparison. Even his best friend let him down numerously our years together. I am preferred as the scapegoat, of course, but I think eventually it will be time to correct their logic.
I had not let myself think about him since he left. Long after Bran, too. And then I realised I've been lying to myself. Even the attempts to date, my heart was never in it. I've been lying all this time to myself.... it's crazy to me how I can make myself believe something.... but I guess this is how I survive; I can brainwash myself.... until one day I wake up aware of feeling empty, because it wasn't real; just distractions to avoid something else. Rushing into anything.... All of that.... had only been rebound. I was so angry at him, I wanted to replace the disappointment with the first thing that fell into my lap. And my daughter.... Jamie--she ....was just the last straw. I feel like I've gone hardcore rogue.
But it is ok. I have survived. I am strong. Stronger than Vera who only knows how to run away. And brag. And be spiteful. To name one of my old friends from my life. Past. I see those people I once filled my life up with.... were choices I'd made when I didn't know how to give myself credit. I picked friends with huge egos and who were the most selfish people masking their selfishness with acts of flamboyant generosity for themselves to look good but were not necessarily ever the best choices to really help me by their actions. So in the end punished me with brutal opinions of me and my life. I won't name or list.
At first I reeled over this sense that everyone turned their back on me.... but I see it is only because they grew bored. And bored of the guilty reminder.
But this is how I am purging myself of people like that. It wasn't of my doing to but-- now I can see I'm better off without any of the people from my past. None of them.
One day it was clear.
I have been waiting
I think that is really what I have been doing.
What do I mean to him? Do I mean anything? If I ever did.... if he really truly ever loved me.... but if he just lets me go too then that means he was also a fraud.... we were always broke, yes-- I don't think that has to have been but I don't think he could have been different while carrying his albatross. But if he truly loves me as he has said then.... he will find his way back to me and want.... to and want me more than ever
and then it will be worth it because he will want it to be better.... and I won't ever feel like his coffee maker or toaster because.... he will sound the way he sounded the other night on the phone when he said,
"you know, Beth, you're pretty great....!"
Saturday, March 12, 2016
I think about it all sometimes now....
I think-- it was all.... disruption to my life. But in other ways it brought me back. I know that seems to contradict.
I don't know why Bran ever came into my life. There are times often when I have wished we had never met.
My life is so different now. In many ways it is so much better. But it is such a very different me.
But in many ways my life is so meaningless.
I think that what I have found is the lens that can now see all the people who have been in my life. My past. All illusions have melted off of them. Without their illusions I see that all of them have been frauds. Every single one of them. And I also see how my heavy disappointment in them I blamed on my own flaws. Telling myself subconsciously that I have failed them, but I see I have always absorbed blame without even consciously being aware. I see my struggle for others approval was a waste because I see it should have been the other way around.
There really is only one who turned out not to be a fraud. Not that I ever thought he was but I didn't know he was the only one on planet earth who wasn't one until these last several years of having more 20/20.
I stop here to pause.... am I ready to write about this, I wonder....?
Because our life was a living nightmare and .... well, what is there to say about that? But nobody can make me laugh the way he can or hold his own in a battle of wits or blow my mind with his unexpected poetic observations.... you know nobody is as good really