Is it really selling yourself if you have no more self left? It's easier when I think about someone like Socrates; someone I admired from history. It pulls me to not be connected to my emotions. I stand outside of them and intellectualize them. The parallel between what he had to do and what I am doing internally is of a moral principle. He was being executed for being of different thought from his society. And I stand outside of society. By choice or not, who knows. But I really don't belong.
I remember this being discussed in a lecture back in high school. I think they were teaching altruism. With the intention of making this real after we went out into the world. They were trying to influence the minds of us. That's when I learned about Socrates. Who was trying to do the same. The wise but self-proclaimed “ignorant” noble savage. This idea took a hold of me.
Maybe I should have missed that day. I think I should have been doing drugs all those years. Maybe I should make up for it now. It is about the only solution that fits into the accepted behavior of our society. And it goes with the stigma I am being shoved into. How appropriate that right now I am hearing Billly Corgen raging despite all my rage I am still a rat in a cage—it just came on my music but it goes. What a different era that was. We were so naive. We are the year of the Dragon and live up to those shaky ideals.
And now it's like watching the bomb go off in the test field like that movie. They stand there admiring the colors that light the sky. Breathing in radiation.
Only I was thinking that it is possible that this may be the only way to save my soul. I am not able to be compromised if I am not consciously present. Whatever I say is unconsciously said. Going insane won't work. I think there has to be a link between the soul and the inner consciousness. So if I go insane I will lose the thread of my path. If I am drug induced then it's just incubating until it is safe to come out. Even if it is never. Which I am OK with too. Or I have to be. They keep giving me drugs anyway, push them on me and urge me to take them and I guess this is instead of hemlock. What did that really do for Socrates anyway? Well, it made him a hero, yes.