Fishnets, snuggling, and intimacy
We had the biggest fight.
I wish I could get out of going out tonight. I mean after last night.
I said from the beginning that I'm not interested in setting down any roots because I am still planning on moving to California, I haven't been writing about it much because of my hands and it's been hard to write at all because of the typing thing
I guess I have been ….miffed? --that I haven't heard from him since that night we saw that super hero movie.
When I first started seeing him he was OK about us not sharing every detail of our life with each other.
I guess I sense he's lying. Whenever I feel like this sense that—something is up – something shuts down in me. I guess it's self preservation. I never wanted to get into dating again, so I am not really, it's not something I am actively initiating. Isn't that always when everyone seems to want you? I think it was a week after that night.... the other fight, remember? Why are the most poigent lovers the ones who fight with you the most? I mean, does it even matter—what does it mean, or does it mean anything? maybe more actually.... because whey you don't care, you just let it go and you drop it, you don't have those knocked down dragged out fights that fill you with all this.... what do you even call that? The oppoiste of nothingness, of nonfeeling, meaningless.... wait, it was before that or....I forget, but I met someone really cool a couple of weeks ago. He came into where I work. It was just one of those things-- chance, really, I guess, because ….
so, Heath got really pissed when he saw a text come from this person on my phone. This is what made last night so obnoxious because I was just going to go work out at the gym and go straight home becaseu I prabably shouldn't even be doing that. It's just been over a week from surgery and I have been working and working out like I think I'm 21 or something. Heath sent me a text while I was at the gym and was like, 'hey, you want to meet me for a drink?' so, I thought, why not, Friday night, next week is going to be busy, have some fun.
He always looks amazing, especially when I haven't seen him in awhile.
So he tells me, since he's the best man at his friend's wedding, he's had to do all these annoying things. This is his excuse for why I haven't heard from him, and no, I didn't ask him for one, he offered this.
I wish I didn't get pulled in by stupid things, especially when it's only physical. He wore that purple shirt too with those jeans. I know he was trying because he even went up to the bar and came back with my favorite drink without me even asking. He also wore my favorite cologne of his.... Sauvage. Because since I said something, now this is the one he always wears when we're together.
I don't know who he has on his phone and I don't ask. If he's texting to someone, I usually get up and walk away and if he receives a text while he's with me, I won't even look at his reaction because that's passive aggressive social media manipulation; bullshit. We've talked about that so if he's starting this with me now, then that's a red flag.
Really, it was almost two weeks since I heard from him. He tells me it's only been a little over a week. He didn't even call me to see how my surgery went. It's like my husband all over again. Everyone I have ever been with actually. I realized this recently—the other day, texting KM, actually—that people I date are only ever into themselves. They only talk about their problems, their day, what they want, etc. and I expect it, actually, because that's what it's always been like. I've never been with a listener, or someone who will be intimate about me; pay attention; remember what was bothering me; ask me how I am; want to snuggle. They just want to have someone to sleep with, have someone listen to them, and be ready to do what they want when they want and I know this. I guess this is why I am maintaining the illusion that I am not involved with anyone because I don't really feel involved when it requires nothing deep or personal on my part.
I like the advantage of this too because it's safe, I can walk away and always have been able to, I never have actually shared anything that deep of myself because these lovers wouldn't detect it was there to share or have the capacity to be interested.
But I guess there is still the sleeping child in me laying dormant who wishes sometimes. More like longs for. I don't really wish for this. It's been reconciled and laid to rest within my psyche not to need this. It's when disaster strikes, you know? When I feel haunted. I guess it's my vulnerable moments when I come home after an appointment. Life stuff. Real life stuff. You know, when most of the people in your life disappear because society is set up to ignore that we are all going to die one day, so when a taste of reality imposes it's ugly self upon your life, people pretend to be superior to mortality.
The night I met Drew was that day when it wouldn't stop raining recently. I made it to work, miraculously. It was really slow at work because people melt in the rain. He came in looking for a graduation gift for his niece and it was weird because I mentioned how my daughter was graudating too he was shocked I had a kid old enough to graduate and I was thinking that about him about his niece. This guy looks like it hasn't been all that long since he graduated himself, but of course, it has because of what he does, which I don't feel like getting into right now.
So, anyway, later, it was actually very late, like eleven, because I was the last person leaving the gym and there were no cars in the parking lot and of course, guess what happens? Herbie melts in the rain too, we all know. I was stranded there. When it's like that it won't even work with a jump. I really need to pick up a tarp or something. But then this guy is standing outside my window getting soaked and I was actually terrified of him, like, alarmed, until I recognized him. There is something distinctive about him, it's not just the imposing height but it's the set of his shoulders and build. He also has an unsual ring he wears that I saw. So I opened the door.
I only started to talk to him because I can sense things about people and the day he had come in, he had been there about an hour with me helping him. It could have even been longer than that, I don't remember. This is the kind of guy that never seems to be phased by anything; just really smart and goodlooking but nice; you can tell he comes from a good family and the type I was always too shy to have the chance to get to know. It was pure chance that I knew what he should get for his niece because she sounded so much like my daughter, so instead of walking away and leaving me to fix everything for him with the gift box, etc. he was helping me, even though he was clueless about what I was doing, but he saw I was having trouble with my hands, so he was holding things to help me do everything. I guess that really touched me. It wasn't just the choir-boy eyes and eyelashes and the inky dark brows.
So, I told him I'd be OK once the engine dried, then it would start again. I was going to call Uber. He said,
“but I can't leave you alone in a dark parking lot.”
I said I would be fine and it would be just as foolish of me to trust a total stranger! But that is what made him start flirting with me, because he said something like,
“you can't call someone a total stranger who has been rescued by someone from family shame.”
Refering to his niece's graduation gift because that day he said he was in danger of the perils of family shame if he didn't find the right graduation gift for his niece. It made me laugh. So I told him he needed to be rescued from the monsoon because he was in danger of drowning; clothes were soaked through. He walked around and folded himself into the passenger seat of my car and my car never looked so small inside.
He wound up convincing me to get a coffee with him. He drives a really big SUV that's dark blue and shiny, I am bad at remembering car makes but it looks new and smells like it is. But he doesn't really live around here, it turns out. He's from Clawson and so is his family but he lives in Chicago usually and only comes here a few times a year to check on his parents' house because they don't live here anymore either except around certain times of the year. They live in Arizona, I think he said. Some place like that. Maybe Florida? Some area people retire to, he told me the name but I forget. They come back for Christmas and sometimes late spring or summer, so he's the one who has to maintain the property and take care of having things repaired.
He's funny. Completely different from me; extremely outgoing, for instance, and he has like a loud but gentle voice and he has a lot of physical energy.... you know, I can't say that I have anything in common with him, though but I like listening to him talk about things. His life is so different than mine and when he's talking, I don't have to. Which is usually the case with me with most people anyway. I get to ask the questions because I am curious and this makes him want to keep talking. And forget to ask me about me. He knows where I grew up, where I went to school, that I haven't seen my husband in a year and we're no longer together, where I work and that I'm trying to recover from being disabled.
If I wanted to be honest with myself, I would say that it is only a physical attraction. Like it is with Bryan. But with Bryan, he is more my physical type and more my type; creative, likes pretty things, is into the same kinky things as me. I get the feeling that Drew is more the classic all American diet kind of guy. Bryan wants to open a pottery shop and Drew is considering setting up a web business in the field he works in. which one fits my lifestyle? Which one would be ready to pack up a car and blaze out to the west in search of dharma, smoke weed with me and lay naked on a shore after dark when it's prohibited?
Neither. None. Because it would be all about them, they wouldn't see me. I am invisible. Like all my lovers have been to me, they don't bother to know me or read anything I write or want to encourage me and feel amazed by me. Worshipped? Men don't do that. Women do. I have been worshipped by women, though, and that is weird. Would I want a man to? Maybe a little.
Anyway, Bryan wound up getting plastered because he decided to be weird about this text I got. Totally innocent text too. It only said, “avoiding puddles?” Why is this problematic to Bryan? I know exactly why, it's because this is another Player tactic. Too much like my Tinder experiences; the Player capital. It's got to be a cover up. I don't think he's really jealous, I think he is pissed about something else. Someone. I am just his choice to subjecgate it to. Do I care if it's a boy or a girl? Not really. Would I still want to fuck him?
This morning he appoligized. So he's taking me to play miniature gold with his friends later.... can't wait. Then some restuarant, a club or something out by Rochester Hills.
He says, “look hot.”
Maybe I should just not shower and be dripping with sweat.
“wear those shoes I bought you.”
Red houchis. The kind that only look good with fishnet stockings and a leather skirt.
Do I have to go? Maybe if I convince him to wear my outfit instead.
Fuji Juji: fluffy says that we miss u so much.
Goki: meow ^^
Fuji Juji: fluffy doesn't understand why u went away:(
>.<: fluffy says meow & O!where r u Otokonoko? please play with us again
_ _ .....................zzzzzzzzzzz