Friday, June 23, 2017

wish upon a wizard's song

I know .....

I've been exhausted

..... I am burnt

     so, my entree; my diary; dictionary.... I don't make sense now... it's been days in this sea..... each day looks the same and.... I'm being vigilant to keep up the entrees regardless of its coherence. Because I think later.... it shall be deciphered for what necessary information I needed documented here

so very tired

.....I think as I close up this place

I put away a life

some old self


it has to be done; there is nothing else for it. And as I think of him I realize, he is not here. He is far away. This is what he has chosen

Yet this place with the volcanic hills..... the west..... still part wild

like me

part wild

I won't be alive when they tame all of it

but for now, Oregon is still wild at heart; like me

I don't want to be tamed


so maybe this is why I had had be free

I don't want to be told I can only smoke this much or drink this much

I want to make my decisions

The man next door.... the Mediterranean --he says to me that I am someone he wants to bite into like an apple but I am ....very independent

how does he draw such a conclusion!?

he does not even know me

I want to ask him

But I will not

I don't want to know why this person draws this conclusion

Even if it may be true because ..... I don't want to limit my self image with this critique of me; like it's definitive--you see? Yes? I don't need to care what he thinks. It should not meant to me that everyone looks at me and draws this conclusion

He never sees me!

He often gets my mail

He's mentioned this--- my mail ends up in his box

But I've only noticed this came up twice. He remembers a note I write six months ago that I long forgot. And then he says he thinks we will never bump into each other because of our habits and I am so private.....

where does he get all this from if he never sees me? It it strange. Yes? His familiarity of my car's bumper stickers (now long deceased) .... well, he is much more intimate in memory of its details. I feel quizzed when he springs a question on me about this. He even almost cried when I tell him it is no more. "it blew up," I say simply, "and the meth addict laughed at me when it happened, smoking in my face," (same man who laughed at me that day saying,'cough up a lung why don't you?' Several months ago after that asthma attack I had on the balcony....' sweet boy, really?)

I cannot be gone soon enough from here

only all my friends from working at the gift shop have been so ..... sweet.... I am grateful that I had this experience these last two years.... I knew some amazing women

it makes my Michigan experience worth something at least

I wish Kris was here

I don't know why

just the emptiness .... it's what I felt

.... I wish he was here

      to hold my hand as he did

when he drove through Hazel Park and Detroit .... showing me his life here, his past.... what I feel now is this need to mourn but no pastor to serve the sermon. My mourning is for something long already dead. Which is why I wish Kris was here to --close it; he had this way that was so..... gentle and sweet. He could be an asshole too if he wanted, yes, but in times of emotion.... he was so .... perfect

unless it is the other Chris I avoid now on purpose

his spite

is always so misjudged

he always ..... always ..... hurts me

at the wrong time

it always turns ..... me cold ..... if I look back at him in hindsight again, will it be Jekyll or Hyde?

Should I hide?

Why do I love a double edged sword?

The wizard..... is angry at me for this entree.... but the wizard .... should try to know me better


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Coffee napkin and more Fable

In the morning, still packing for Oregon move, I yawn over thoughts of Eliot before remembering I have a coffee meeting with the wizard later

Must get some writing in now.....

This is how the story went according to some barflies .....

     " can stop this at any point," he whispered into her ear

he could see the man who held her in chains

.....still he still hurt and punished her

     SansinGauf lay half across her to keep her from the sudden gust; the rush of a draught

He saw her dreams

they were nightmares

She had always feared sleep because it was in her dreams that the demon did his most ruthless damage to her and now he had unfurled his most lethal dose of nightmare

she was to face abject despair of the most forsaken kind

SansinGauf spoke softly, bracing her body as he felt her seizure in pain against him....

"....dear Empress.... we need you.... please don't falter to this Demi-monster; he means nothing....

"Come away...." he whispered allowing the horrors of her dreams to invade his senses.....he did this by a spell .... he did this help bear this torturing pain....

   as he knew already she had taken too much

 he knew the only way to save her now was by trying to lore her out of its darkness

the demon was sucking out her will to matter.... he lay gently rocking her, he did so unconsciously. He began to sing and hum an old song his mother used to sing to him when he was a boy. And long forgot this. Till now. And as he rocked her his eyes ran freely of tears

the tears were that he saw the scenes before him; he saw what had happened to her, he saw

..... the wretchedness and the last splintered shard of her self left like a piece of broken glass to let from her fingers.... into the reflection pond......

     the seeing

And speaking of seeing? Who watched this scene take place? The caregiver; the nanny; the likeness. The likeness watched

.......His likeness was not like any others

His had developed psychic energy and emotional powers. His likeness took the shape of a unicorn. Indeed it was a unicorn, in fact, because it came to be its own magickal creature once it came into existence. It came to be; fathered by a Sansi wizard and made of finest moonpowder under the blessing of the full moon goddess.

The creature's name was HeirLesTempest and took great care of the household by the merest take of its horn as it glowed its mysterious light and kept the twins in check whilst SansinGauf was away

But what SansinGauf did not know was that HeirLesTempest also looked after him; especially whilst he was sleeping; or moments when he might have dropped his guard

SansinGauf did not know
HeirLesTempest had become self aware

By the magickal creature's own decision, LesHeirTempest had become the wizard's most devoted protector and servant

Because, you see, SansinGauf had been rather vague upon creating it; exhausted as he was, you can imagine; a new parent, the weight of the Forrest and universe on his shoulders chasing after two little trouble making heathens. So he had waved his little wand--- he had picked up some toy by mistake because he was exhausted but he used it as a wand anyway, because he was SansinGauf and can do things like this. Sometimes the outcomes of using inappropriate things as wands were slightly .... well, appropriate in the thing it had been created by. And how. How: emotional need. By: a magickical child's toy wand.....

LesHeirTempest was something of a Mary Poppins and a Hans Solo/Yoda

both of whom got their ideas from LesHeirTempest as the legends live on in human dream world.


".....give it to me, my sweet Fae.....sweet Fae, my cherry-wood Fae...."

upon the last words spoken of course, wouldn't you have it? a dragon fly flew past

and everyone knows how they like to eavesdrop ....which is why they make the very best story spreaders

(his name was Earnie, Earnie-the-barfly dragonfly--where he met his present wife the firefly because she performed at a place he frequented.)

But he was there because someone was..... there to bear witness, saw the moment that it happened

the naming of The Faery Queen by a Sansin wizard whether conscious or not it was only upon his waking when SansinGauf discovered .....the enchantment

The Wiard stop me before closing the door of my ride. He says,
"Promise me that Eliot knows nothing about.... who you really are...."

Eliot grounds me to earth again

I don't know but it could be that Eliot is good for lessons in ego. He is good for building mine. Anyway. Is that bad? No because I have been told I am too without self. Self less. Selfless. And no sense of self.

I am aware.... that is to say.... I know I can use my female sexual persuasion if I chose. I know I have a fierce sexual energy that young boys old and young are compelled by.

I usually avoid this quality of me

It's dangerous

Like letting out medusa

It frightens me; that is how powerful I know this quality in me is

I think it comes from genes

Darwin would nod

My mother's side were all nymphomaniacs. It got everyone in trouble. A lot of incest. It's crazy, like a royal line of artists all stark raving mad

Grandma wanted to be a stage dancer or actress, she was a roaring flapper in New York City

On my fathers side; biological: he was a notorious womanizer and celebrity bad boy.

My mother was very sexual. My sister. My hippie late cousin

I suspect daddy had it from the Cherokee as well as mountain man Welsh. Celt and Indian then Russian

I am a wild breed

I see how Eliot looks at me

I see men look at me all the time that way

But when Eliot looks.... he makes me feel valuable

and valued

I think this is a huge key with him

He is young, yes

he is a jock type, yes

women constantly chase him, yes

..... but he likes me

has gone far to find me

he's picked me

I don't know why

But for whatever reason and simply put he shrugs flushed in his face from sexual exertion to say,

"because, my little angel, you are a movie. You are a class act Audrey Hepburn only you are you with teeth and claws.....and I love that about you. And you inspire me. To be a better artist. Plus you're beautiful."

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Waiting for the wizard I need more coffee

SansinGauf had to become both mother and father of a sort as recent events had come about. His beloved stepsister had passed away a few years back and she had two children who had extremely rare gifts. Difficult to contain as it turned out, however.

These rare "gifts" as it goes, were, of course, of the magickal nature.

Huna had problems with a hiccuping; a sort of dysfunction

over time he has narrowed down what sets it off too.... well, it may or may not be something she has consumed or breathed or touch or heard or even seen

tends to happen in the middle of the night, or at mid day; sometimes midnights and sometimes in fine or inclement weather.

but it could happen anywhere and there was the awkward tendency for things to get blown up; that is: explode

not like fireworks, not exactly like an engine's discharge but something similar with highly dynamic results.... so he tried not to take them too far from home as, not everyone would be understanding of travesties

So, there was still much unpredictablness about parenting this particular twin

the other....

well, perhaps this one really did need a mother's care

SansinGauf had to chase after Gabonyy around the hour glass; he never seemed to rest that boy, he was trouble

not even two yet

in Forrest years but mostly his terror was his inexhaustible energy

It was so bad that for the first time ever, SansinGauf had installed a likeness to watch them at times and he had never been an advocate of using magickal energy for convenience but he made an exception in his case because being a Sansin wizard is a very demanding lifestyle, as it were

His likeness, of course, looked nothing like him. SansinGauf did not purchase his likeness at market fair because, as we have mentioned, SansinGauf did not want for much that he could produce himself; and being a magickian has its perks that way

and..... if you happen to be an Xhonorith Genius Klas I which had only existed in one other Forrest life time at the dawn of recorded history.... well, you can try to imagine; there was an almost omnipotence about this Sansin. So SansinGauf was, you might say, legendary for the purpose of our Fable

His likeness was made of rock but he wrapped it in sheered wool from BaaBaa, his first and top sheep whose wool was brown and unusually soft

Once he commanded the charm and the likeness was created, the likeness was charmed to take the form for which SansinGauf would have felt --at that very moment-- was the perfect nanny for the children, so, this was not your usual likeness nor your usual nanny, to be sure

.....but where is my Wizard? He is late in meeting me at the Starbucks

He says he's waiting for more chapters.... I need more coffee

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

but first: eliot's mouth

            ......and so I say to him.... I say....."I am finally becoming ---the me I wanted to release from inside me...."

I don't know if that makes sense

he understands me so well.... I never even have to explain ....I have always wanted to be understood like this

I see now too that..... there is more for me

I don't know why but I somehow believe that I will be actually going home soon

I am not sure if that means Weerdestein or if that only means that something will be what that once was for me

Maybe a sunny patio with a healthy green vine growing up the grey and beige stones and there he is someone warm, holding a cup of hot chocolate for me with such a warm, inviting hug

he smells like.... leather, from his jacket but also cedar and sandalwood

He tells me "your skin is like touching finely ground powder over the finest silk; it is like cream I could lick until I am eighty....."

do you know one has ever told me that before. Not quite anyhow. But his mouth.... is capable of.... the most amazing beauty I have ever known --with my eyes closed....I had no idea what I'd been missing all those years

.....but in our Fable she lays close to death see

he is like mother and father in how he cares for her....his faery Empress.... it is a few days of brain fever and

another day of agonizing seizures.

But he holds her and tends to her.....

 all the while she is unconscious; in a kind of coma whilst her body rages

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

I beg ur procrastination lol

I love how Oregon feels so far away from everything

It's like being in another world

like that movie Legend

or in that other movie.... Avatar....  the mountains..... the colors are unreal..... faeryland to be sure

maybe this is why it feels like going home

so, I walk a lonely road the only road that I have ever known..... I walk alone I walk alone


I hear this is my head all day walking through town. I say goodbye in my head

I am already gone

These places, these people, they were never me

It isn't hard to go

What is hard is like that All American Rejects lyric: wasted my time....

So, it's just so gross, like peeling off a jumpsuit you had to wear in Survivor, and now it's gross but back then it was your house, your tent and fortress.....

The wizard.... I have not said what his name is, have I?

Well, maybe next time.....

It is the Fable that is more important

Not Eliot.

Whom I forgave

and he had trouble walking the next day

No, the wizard is disgusted now ..... later I will continue what happens with the Empress and SansinGauf ..... because Eliot has my 7/11 favorite ice cream.....

Monday, June 12, 2017

Fae of Morgan

Fae of Morgan

When you speak of shape shifting, that is only just a shadow of what it is. That is to say, it is a kind of illusion that anyone is the shape they take because everyone really is everything and everything does contain everything.

SansinGauf was wizard stuff, to be sure; the kind all legends of his kind are based upon. Wise and yet still curious, thus containing that element of wonder always. This is the secret of youth; to stay in wonder.....

In the Forrest World time stands still. Rather, there is no time. You go in there and the rest of the world continues; you can watch it all through a telescope too and it looks like speeding on a highway. The images move fast past the windows. That is how time looks from the other side.

Within the Forrest World SansinGauf was exactly as he always was; is; slight of body, like an agile and lean skinned athlete and very tall of frame with notably long arms and fingers; his legs were quite long as well; like his toes and feet which gave him great balance walking ledges and hills; so he had some quality of one of those daddy long legs spiders, wearing a long cape (that took on colors like gray or sage or deep marine blue) and a long, wilted knitted felt top hat dyed of woad and mended numerously with silver gilt thread that fell to his right shoulder from years of knocking into his sheep staff (his sheep were used only for their wool and they never left his side unless by his command).

So watching the Empress Mage Maevis Fae fall like a broken sparrow.... well, it was his moment to become one with this myth, for he had watched her story unfold before him.... on that other side of his glass.... she had been like his mythic legend; untouchable yet almost real; all these years, you see.....

To be sure, it is necessary to mention, many stories have been based upon SansinGauf, in fact, in your world, too; many legends and many fables.... he is wise and powerful; he is old and young; he is generous of heart but always keeps his head about his shoulders.....

She was a little fallen angel falling from the sky

and so, like a magnetic chord to his very center he was pulled to that little faery; to save the belle with the misty gossamer wings,  invisible to the human eye.....her fall rang with her cry that sounded like little bells tinkering down a well. Tinkering bells.....

She looked like a redwood tiger lily

That was her color. If you took alizarin crimson and mixed in a bit of gold.... she was a wood faery. Heir apparent .....faeryqueen; but she had been raised among peasants to protect her identity. A bit wild, to be sure and possibly feral as well; how could he not love her?

And so it took him days to locate her because of the ruckless that grew everywhere; and yet he knew this Forrest very well, even the borderline parts because he traveled quite often beyond it. This journey took him many days and he journeyed alone, without his sheep as the thick brambles would have easily caught their wool. He came prepared too, knowing about the poison of the lapis swans. By now the Hadessins would have given her up for dead not expecting that SansinGauf was watching out for her; long prepared and aware of the forecast. He had prepared the potion and knew what had to be done to preserve her life and revive her from the haunted sleep that slowly consumed her breath.

When he finally found her night had long fallen but it was a full moon. She had actually fallen between the shield of the wall and her invisible right wing was badly caught. This was unfortunate ....his heart broke for her when he realized, rushing to her side; this had not showed on the glass and he realized this would take more time.

When he touched her face it had gone that shade of pale violet. He had only just made it in time. She was down to her last breath. He moved to her side quickly but with light and careful moves and knelt to her, placing his mouth gently over her deathly pale delicate lips; he breathed. He breathed for her. One very long breath first. He exhaled into her, speaking the words. He watched the purple smoke choke out of her. Then lay down beside her. He could not free her wing until she could breath on her own and the violet cast to her skin was gone.

He had to tilt her face to him as he lay carefully beside her, keeping the caught wing slack so as to not cause it further damage. She was still in pain, the caught wing....he could feel it.... the poison of the Forrest shield had been slowly killing her despite her magick; he reached inside the deep pocket of his cape and felt for the silver box. He placed the flower petal against her right wrist where the pulse beat and held it there with his thumb. He cast ....saying incantation, tapped her with the blue jeweled tip of the fine handle of his blade where a blue energy of light took to glow and come alight.

And so he lay thus: one arm cradling her head and shoulder and the other hand holding the soft petal to her wrist, breathing into her. It was slow going as she was so cold. Her veins would not allow the flow of the potion until she reached a warmer body temperature, he knew, which is why he erected the shield of camouflage; throwing his cape about once peeling away all that lay between their flesh. Bare skin to skin they lay beneath his cape; he breathing into her mouth and holding her tiny wrist; he then closed his eyes and fell asleep holding her to him as if he were her fortress.

SansinGauf was always caring of small animals, of course he loved his sheep and all manner of living creatures.... his great love had been his step sister whom he could never have and all his life his passions were shared with deep affection, but no one had ever captured his heart since his first love.

Watching Fae fall from the sky, as Fae is her name, plain Fae....

the years of study and preparation for when the time would come to ....entwine their fates and purpose as it had been long foretold, long expected to prevent what was to be the evil threat on the horizon

seeing the Empress before him at last, SansinGauf was nearly in awe and all his years of healing kicked in

only stopped to realize for a second--

.....he needed to heal, not just the flesh, but the fragmented soul inside as well.... he felt it as he lay beside her..... felt her soul and all of her pain for within there he felt the poisonous wounds of this incarnation .... the kind to damage deep, which she hid so deeply that it haunted her waking mind. She had spent a life beaten and in chains until she had been found by the faery kingdom and reclaimed; too late.

This had been known

But only now did he understand what this had done to her

knowing only the greatest force could possibly heal this

but where would the chances be to save humanity if she herself was not healed? SansinGauf lay there beside her thinking, watching the full moon watch him; watch them.... it was by morning when he stirred and saw that her invisible wing had been freed..... by the power and light of the moon and the morning light; morganlicht;

"Fae of the morning light ...." he whispered aloud, giving her his pet name, whilst still half asleep. He was over five hundred lifetimes older than the Fae of morganlicht .....

.....and SansinGauf had been called upon for this, task..... and well, she needed a healer, after all; he had saved her life which made him feel responsible for her, so in conflict of emotion he felt for her

like a father but also,

like a lovesick poet.

By the light of the moon he had been too exhausted to find resolution with this thought and fell asleep under the full moon on the eve of the last day of April, as depicted by the human calendar and then awoke breathing out the morning dew of Fae